My Child, My Mirror

7 Feb

When many people hear the word narcissism, they think of the legend of Narcissus who was so vain he worshiped his image in a pond until he fell in and drowned. I once saw a cartoon of a father staring at his own reflection in a lake while his daughter kept calling out, “Daddy?!” The image suggested she was neglected while he adored himself. This cartoonist understood the neglect that comes from a narcissistic parent, but he only got it half right–because for many narcissistic parents, their child is the mirror.

Like many ACONs, you may have been used like a mirror for your narcissistic parent. Such parents are not satisfied unless they can see their own values and choices displayed in their child. Narcissistic parents see their children as an extension of themselves, they use mind control to shape their children at a young age to become mini versions of themselves. If this is true, you may have been robbed of your ability to shine.

Shine, Little Red Survivor, Cherilyn Clough

This mirroring pattern continues into adulthood and is manifested by parents quizzing their adult children on their religious beliefs, politics and spending habits. Appearances are everything to these narcissistic minds. They want all of their children to be in the church and vote as they would vote and eat what they would eat on holiday dinners. They want us to do as they would do so they can feel satisfied they have raised us to reflect them in the way they want to be portrayed in the world.

By refusing to acknowledge their child’s individuality, such parents are selfish to begin with and nothing you can do will fix this. As you pull away to become yourself, they will become more controlling, then disillusioned and bitter when you fail to live up to their expectations. As you begin to vote differently or leave the church or form your own holiday traditions, the war will intensify.

The battles are subtle at first, a glance of disappointment, the suggestion you might be letting down the whole family because you have chosen differently. But as most ACONs know, the failure to reflect our parents–to vote, marry and worship as they would have us live our lives eventually brings on a cascade of narcissistic behavior from gaslighting and scapegoating to the silent treatment.

There is no better time to reclaim your individuality than now. There is no better way to reclaim your boundaries by standing up to let your voice be heard, but beware the narc parent will accuse you of everything from ruining the party to being ungrateful or disloyal or not honoring your parents. They might use everything from scripture and flying monkeys to lawyers to straighten you out.

When this happens it’s important to ground yourself in these truths–

1. No one–not even a parent owns the choices of another human being. Slavery is defined as controlling another person’s choices.

2. God created you to be yourself–not an extension of your parents. Look in the mirror and recognize your own face.

3. You will never feel at peace until you live authentically.

As you listen to your own voice and the voice of your Maker, you will begin to shine. It might seem a little scary at first, but you can forge a new path from your family of origin. When you reach that fork in the road where the sign reads narc parent vs. your own choices, don’t be afraid to take the road less traveled, step into your individuality and shine.

Valentine’s Flash Sale–10% Through the 10th

5 Feb

Hey ACON Friends,

I’ve been working hard on some products just for you! I’ve made art that speaks to my soul because it’s hard to find good Narc ammunition.

So if you are looking for a novel gift for your self or the special survivors in your life, if you act soon you might still get something delivered in time for Valentine’s Day.

Have you ever just wanted a Flying Monkey Pillow
to set on the sofa as a reminder
for the Monkeys who visit your house?
Me too.

Flying Monkeys Green PillowOr perhaps you need a No Contact Travel Mug
for that extra pick me up to remember
how you are footloose and fancy-free!
no contact Mug

Have you ever gone on a trip with narc
and wished you had a Trust Your Gut Tote
so you could’ve remembered to stick with your first impressions?
Oy! Me too!

Trust Your Gut ToteOr perhaps you, like most of us ACONS,
just need permission to Speak the Truth–
even when your voice shakes.

Speak the Truth PillowLet’s honor the words of Maya Angelou:

My mission in life is not merely to survive,
but to thrive;

and to do so with some passion,
some compassion,
some humor, and some style.

Shine Flower Tote

You can find all of these and more at 10% off through the tenth
at Little Red Survivor Art on Etsy.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/LittleRedSurvivorArt

 

Heaven’s Flash Mob

30 Jan

Someone posted my favorite flash mob video the other day. And that got me to thinking. What does it feel like to be welcomed? Do you have someone who welcomes you? Someone who is so thrilled to see you they don’t care what you’ve done or where you’ve been? I hope so. Sometimes our family members welcome us and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they welcome us until we disagree and then they can’t wait to show us the door, but that’s not unconditional love.

When Petra was a little kid, her dad always came home from work and gave her a big bear hug. To get a hug from him was pure love and affection, but as she grew older and didn’t always agree with him, he hugged her less and less. She told me how it still hurts her heart to this day because there is nothing she would like more than to give her father a big bear hug, but he barely speaks to her.

Religious abuse happens because people misrepresent God’s character. Many of us grew up going to church with fear messages and shame trips. Some of us couldn’t handle the fear and shame so we left these caricatures of God and religious symbols behind and decided to go it alone.

I can’t blame anyone for rejecting a god who threatens to burn you in hell if you don’t do what he wants. Would you marry someone who says, “Love me or I will kill you?” I sure hope not and I hope you don’t worship a god like that either—although that’s what the church has erroneously taught for centuries.

I Stand for Love, Little Red Survivor Art

 

Many ACONS have been ostracized or scapegoated from our families, so it’s hard to imagine a God who runs out to give us a hug, but that’s how Jesus describes the Father.

The prodigal son has destroyed his own life. He’s used up his father’s money. He’s ruined the family reputation. He’s been so wanton and careless that he has nothing left and now eats with the pigs.

Even though many ACONs have been treated like the black sheep of the family, this prodigal was a true black sheep in every sense of the word. He has no worth in the eyes of the world, but he is as valuable as ever to the heart of his Father.

This is how we can know for sure God is not a narcissistic parent. The Father, who has been used and forgotten by his son, has never forgotten his child. He waits by the window everyday watching for a caravan or a shadow in the distance that might give him hope of his child. And finally, when he recognizes the gait and sees a familiar slouch, he runs out to meet him.

He doesn’t quiz him to check his theology or asked if he’s gotten saved. He doesn’t smell his breath for alcohol or examine him to see if he has any new tattoos. He doesn’t ask him to pay back the money he’s taken. He doesn’t ask if he’s been sleeping with men or women or pigs. He doesn’t do anything but welcome his child with open arms.

Then the Father calls for a party. He gives his son the finest clothes in the house. He restores his status in the family by giving him a ring of authority to represent the family business. The musicians arrive, the dancers dance and the barbecue is set up. No one can be sad when the master is so happy.

I’ve tried to dream of such a homecoming when we all get to heaven. The closest thing I can imagine is a huge family reunion at an airport. What brought it home for me was this flash mob ad at Heathrow Airport in 2010. I love all the songs, but I especially love the last song.

Welcome home, welcome
Come on in, and close the door
You’ve been gone, too long
Welcome, your home once more.

Can you imagine how heaven’s welcome might look like a huge flash mob of angels? As people swarm through the gates, we can finally set all of our baggage down for good and dance with the angels.

Then, at the end of the line, dancing and singing are Jesus and the Father waiting to give you a big ol’ bear hug! And as the Father hugs you, he whispers in your ear–

You are not what you have.
You are not what you do.
You are not what other people say about you.
You are the Beloved!
–Henri Nouwen

 

Is It Name Calling to Call Someone a Narcissist?

29 Jan

Have you ever had someone accuse you of name calling because you identify your family member as a narcissist? Most of us didn’t go looking for a label to call our parents. Some people just don’t get it because they’ve never had to live through the abuse that comes with narcissism. They might even be apathetic.*

For many of us, it was a relief to discover the term narcissism to describe our parents’ lack of empathy. Even though we use the term narcissist like a noun, the word narcissist is not as much a label for someone’s identity, as it’s a category to describe behaviors we have experienced. We wish it weren’t so, but the proof is in the behavior. If it walks and talks like a narc, it probably is a narc.

Calling someone a narcissist usually occurs because they have become toxic in their behavior toward others. Recognizing these narcissistic behaviors is simply one way to create awareness and protect ourselves. If we fail to recognize the gas-lighting, scapegoating, lying, manipulation and flying monkeys for what it is, we will continue to be abused over and over again.

Little Red Survivor, Valley of the Shadow, Cherilyn Clough

Little Red 23rd, Valley of the Shadow

 

While narcissism personality disorder should be diagnosed with a professional, most narcissists hate counselors and will usually avoid counseling at all costs, so all we can do is get counseling for ourselves. Once we have gathered the facts from an expert opinion and realize there is no other explanation for such behavior, most Adult Children of Narcissists find it a relief to recognize there is a name for what they have been experiencing.

It’s ironic that the very people who once called us names are the ones who complain because we refer to them as narcs. Many of us have struggled with self-worth for decades due to the names our parents called us.

Consider how the words lazy, ignoramus, chunky, chubby, klutz, idiot, loudmouth, stupid, brat and snot actually harm the child’s psyche that grows up with such labels. Some narc parents never stopped calling their children names. Even in adulthood, they just use more sophisticated names like selfish, irresponsible, inconsiderate, ignorant and loser.

We don’t label our parents narcissists because we wanted to get even with them for calling us names–remember most ACONs** are the empathetic ones in the family and most don’t even want to hurt even an abusive parent. Calling someone a narcissistic is not a gut response or an attempt to get even–it is simply piece of the puzzle to our ruined relationship with the narc parent for years.

Adult Children of Narcissists is the term we use to recognize other people who have been through what we have endured. While it’s a name we call ourselves, it reflects negatively on our parents, but it also gives us a way to find other people suffering from the same issues who can provide us with support. Avoiding such labels would only isolate the survivors. Most ACONS have lived lives of secrets and isolation due to the control of narc parents, so it’s time to step out into the light.

For some people the only way to healing is to name it and claim it. Calling someone a narcissist is not name calling, it’s simply recognizing a chain of symptoms that can only be described as narcissism. There is no shame in calling a rose a rose. Just as Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” a narc by any other name would stink the same.

* Check out the Empathy Trap Book to learn more about the empathetic, apathetic and narcissistic triad.
**Adult Children of Narcissists

Speak The Truth–Even When Your Voice Shakes

23 Jan

I can still feel the tightness in my throat. It felt like my heart was in my throat choking out my words. Trembling because I knew if I spoke my truth, the “Persuader” would come out and my legs would pay the price. It seemed too much to ask to go to school. To have friends. To know my relatives. To not move again. To not be hit because someone was in a bad mood. Narcissism has many moods and one of them is violence.

Domestic violence does not always look like a man hitting a woman. Sometimes it just looks like discipline on the end of a belt or stick, but physical scars might fade, but the the scars on the heart linger. This is why I often say, “What happens in childhood never stays in childhood.”

I received my first spanking when I was one week old. My parents didn’t beat me at the time, but they felt they needed to control me. I was lying alone in my crib and crying for attention and they decided to hit me so I wouldn’t get spoiled.

Speak the Truth Even When Your Voice Shakes Meme

Speak the Truth Even When Your Voice Shakes Meme

As I grew into what they called “the terrible twos,” I was spanked until I could no longer cry. While I don’t remember these early events my parents told these stories to me to reinforce the fact that they were in control. As I grew, I was an eyewitness to them belting the terrible twos out of my three siblings.

Each time we moved there were two things that went into my parents’ bedroom—my mother’s hope chest and the belt on the back of their bedroom door that they affectionately called, “The Persuader.”

My entire childhood was ruled by the Persuader. I did everything I could to please people and be a good girl to avoid an encounter with the Persuader and my father’s temper. This meant not complaining about moving every six months or asking about going to school. This resulted in four kids not having an education. The last year of education for my youngest two siblings was first grade in an accredited school and third grade if you count a loopy, religious child labor curriculum in a non accredited church school.

Throughout my childhood and teen years the Persuader never left my mind. It influenced every decision I made. Decades after I left home, I still felt unsafe to mention what happened to anyone. Even with my own friends and husband in my own home, the Persuader had almost convinced to remain silent.

In my forties, I began to blog about the painful secrets and tried to make sense of my life. I wrote about a pivotal beating I received for whispering in church. A belting that left my legs covered with bruises and caused me to distrust God and hate church for most of my life. Even though I used a pseudonym, my family members thought it was out of line. I tried to explain how I needed to share my story and help others and I have to say my relationship with them has never been the same.

This is where narcissism comes into play. Even if people are not full blown narcs, to lack empathy and to ignore their children’s pain—first in childhood and second in adulthood, fundamentally breaks the relationship. Jesus said two cannot walk together unless they are agreed. When a parents ignores their child’s pain at any age it only deepens the wounds.

The last time I saw my parents, they quizzed me on my theology for three hours. I came in love, hoping to patch things up. I wished we were equals and they would recognize we all make mistakes, but most importantly, we all have a right to our feelings and memories. When I mentioned the lack of schooling and the beltings–how we could never talk about it even as adults and how their choices forced on me, affected way too many days of my adult life. I was told “If you had not jerked around so much, Daddy wouldn’t have had to hit you with both sides of the belt.”

They’ve accused me of not forgiving, but it’s not true; I forgave them over and over. Forgiveness is not the missing ingredient, empathy is the missing ingredient and until they can respect my right to use my voice and tell my story, we will continue to have a gulf between us. It’s not the way I want it, but I can no longer ignore who I am to be who they want me to be. I can no longer allow the fear of the Persuader to choke out my voice.

I haven’t always enjoyed reliving the painful moments of my life, but what I do know is that speaking them out loud helps. Realizing God not only sees all the days of my life, but allows me to speak of all the days of my life has brought profound healing to me.

In June, a program was launched through HopeLine called “Because Voices Have Power,” a national campaign designed to increase awareness of domestic violence and provide a platform for the public to send messages of hope to victims and survivors. For each message of hope shared, Verizon has committed to donating $3 to local and national domestic violence prevention organizations across the country.

They have already collected over 10 million phones nationwide, while donating over $18 million dollars to domestic violence organizations. A great explanation of the program can be found here: http://www.verizonwireless.com/aboutus/hopeline/index.html

Today, I add my voice to the Voices of Hope because our voices do have power. Please feel free to share this blog and retweet or make your own tweets with the hashtag #voiceshavepower

And no matter where you are or what has been done to you, you CAN speak the truth–even when your voice shakes.

Narcissism 101

14 Jan

After feeling alone for decades and wondering what was wrong with me, I began to hear story after story from members of the ACON* group that sounded exactly like my own. Many times I was blown away by the similarities and I am not the only one who has had this experience.

We all have a little narc in us or we wouldn’t even groom ourselves. Narcissism is a spectrum–and while we all fit on the scale at some point, toxic narcissism has a cycle or a pattern that seems to repeat itself in home after home.

Boundaries, Be True to Self Meme

Boundaries–know self, be true to self, own choices, practice self-care and honor all.

 

I realize some people think that by calling our parents narcissistic, we are calling them names, but most of us didn’t go looking to label our parents. Many of us struggled with self worth for decades because of the labels and criticism our parents gave us. Calling the mystery narcissism was not a gut reaction, but a calming balm of relief to a third degree emotional burn that has plagued many of us for years.

We didn’t diagnose our parents, we simply gathered facts and realized there is no other explanation for the mystery we have been trying to solve. It’s sort of like finding out that striped horse is actually called a zebra.

So what are the stripes we now recognize as narcissism?

1. A Violation of Boundaries.
The narcissistic mother sees the child as an extension of herself. She wants the child to reflect her at all times and she also views all resources of the child as hers. In such a world of no boundaries, it’s difficult for the child raised by such parents to stand up for himself. He or she doesn’t know how to take responsibility for themselves because they’ve been raised to let their parents tell them what to do. If they vary from the parent’s wishes, they will experience shunning or abandonment so younger ACONs often try to stay close to the parent to please them.

2. Lack of Empathy for How They Affect Others
This violation of boundaries is often made possible due to lack of empathy. If a parent truly imagined what it is like to be their child, they would treat their children with more respect from childhood. Empathy allows a parent to imagine how it feels to have the belt stinging their legs or what it is like to go to bed without supper while the scent of popcorn drifts down the hallway. As their children grow into adulthood, empathy reminds them to own and apologize for their mistakes and love their grown children unconditionally. Lack of empathy is often manifested by a parent who talks about their adult children when they can’t control them. There is research that says many narcissistic parents recruit their most empathetic child to do their bidding. So while narcissists are low on the empathy scale, they definitely have a use for it in other people. For more on this topic read The Empathy Trap Book.

3. A Desire to see Their Own Reflection in Their Child

Like Narcissus who stared at his own reflection in the pond, a narcissistic parent stares into their child looking for their own image and doing all they can to mold their child into a mini me. This does not end when the child becomes an adult. It often continues until the parent dies.

When the parent fails to see what they are looking for, they will keep trying to teach and remake their child into their own image for their entire lifetime which results in the adult child never feeling good enough.

I have to wonder how many new parents hold their precious new born and whisper, “You’d better meet my needs or I will ruin your life and reputation.” No, they say doesn’t he or she look like me? And while all parents look to see what this baby will look like, the extreme is the narc parent who never grows past that stage to view their child as an individual. By never acknowledging their child’s individuality, they are ignoring healthy boundaries.

Perhaps narcissism grows out of selfishness and a survival of the fittest mentality where people feel they need to destroy their enemies and sadly, with the parent’s lack of empathy, their children become their imagined enemies because they failed to meet their expectations.

4. The Not-So-Fun Circus of Manipulation
All of these add up to a cycle of patterned behavior:

A sense of entitlement and refusal to follow the law
Manipulation by lies, mind games and gaslighting
Recruitment of flying monkeys
Playing the victim,
Seeking revenge and
Ostracizing the scapegoat

These behaviors might happen in stages or at different times, but eventually patterns will emerge.These are all are part of the narcissistic agenda or better known as the narcissistic circus. A polish proverb has it right:

Not my monkeys, not my circus.

If only it were that easy, but most narcissistic parents will do all they can to ruin their child’s reputation when they won’t go along with their plans. Many ACONs will tell you their narc parents have spent hours taking notes about their enemies and researching how to win their case in court and sadly many of them have been sued by their own parents. Having a narcissist for a parent can be a continual abuse–first in childhood, then in adulthood and even after discovery of the problem it seems like the wounds never really heal.

The only solution for healing is love. But the narcissistic parent doesn’t seem able to love their child. If they did, they might not have abused them in the first place. They wouldn’t be angry if their adult child remembers the abuse and they would apologize, rebuild the relationship to show their child unconditional love.

All of these things could happen, but don’t hold your breath. By it’s very nature extreme narc behavior focuses on self and cannot bear to be wrong, so if your parent is a true toxic narcissist, these symptoms of love will never happen–they will simply go on talking about you until the day they die.

So to recap, we are not name calling, we are identifying a chain of symptoms that can only be described as narcissism. These four possible identifiers are all based on selfishness–

1. Violation of Boundaries and Using Others

2. Lack of Empathy for How They Affect Others 

3. A Desire to see Their Own Reflection in Their Child

4. The not-so-fun Manipulative Circus 

If you have been treated in these ways, if you have been feeling not good enough and alone most of your life, If you feel you cannot be yourself with your family, just say no to narcissism. There is a world full of people who DO have empathy and people just like you who are worthy of love, go out and find them.

*ACON — Adult Children of Narcissists

The Mystery of Narcissism

13 Jan

Have you ever try to solve a mystery? What if that mystery involved your life and relationships? What if that mystery interfered with your ability to do self-care because you had this feeling you were not good enough? While no one likes to discover narcissism, understanding narcissism solved my mystery and gave me peace.

I’d had warning signs for years but I never quite connected the dots. Like the time I was going to stay with family and my brother recommended I read M. Scott Peck’s “The People of the Lie.” As I read it, I began to recognize patterns from my teen years and decided to stay in a hotel, but once I read the book I moved on and forgot about what I discovered. Perhaps I was just in denial. I caught a glimpse, but I wanted my parents’ love so badly I just couldn’t admit it.

Self-Care is Not Selfish Meme

Pansies Self-care Meme

 

A few years later, I was reading Henry Cloud’s book, “Changes That Heal,” in another hotel room and I let out a primal scream at 4:00 am because Bible verses quoted in that book suddenly made sense. Once again, an epiphany occurred–that I have a right to spend my own money, vote for my choice of candidate and worship however I choose, but I still rationalized my parents’ behavior.

Then there was the loving father-like church friend who gave me an entire box of tapes by a man many say reflected God’s love more than anyone they know–but I threw the tapes out without listening to them because my father thought he was a false prophet.

I spent fifty years trying to solve this mystery. The path of my life was strewn with warnings and lifelines, but I never quite connected the dots. I believe God was answering my prayers, but I never fully woke up to see it until the day before my fiftieth birthday.

That’s the day two well-meaning friends each invited me to join a group for Adult Children of Narcissists. I really wasn’t interested, but both were good friends, so I accepted.

In my first visit to the group, the scales fell off my eyes. All the years of pain. All the questioning why my parents never loved me enough to call me unless they wanted something. All the years of being told I was too sensitive because I wanted answers to what happened in my childhood and teen years. All the times I felt not good enough because my parents treated me like I was not even good enough to go to high school. All the times I was belted and yelled at and called selfish for simply wanting to stop moving and have friends. All the times I was accused of digging up the past to hurt their feelings because it hurt them to remember how much they hurt me.

For most of my adult life I have tried to be a peacemaker and a good daughter–but it came at the expense of my own self-care. I felt not good enough because no matter how much money I gave or how many family birthday parties I planned, it was never good enough and all these decades I simply thought it was me. When I thought it was my fault, I punished myself by refusing to exercise or eat right. I punished myself by isolating and refusing to do the things that would set me free.

So if you are new to understanding narcissism, I welcome your voice in this dialog. And if you need to find a group I can point you to one. I am not a professional, but I am an avid reader of all books about relationships. I’ve bought hundreds of books trying to solve this mystery in my life of why my once doting parents became critical, judgmental and eventually cold and non-responsive toward me. I thought it was just me, but I finally discovered the answer was narcissism. If you want to read more, I will further explain in my next blog.

Meanwhile, let me just share my cautionary tale, the first step in self-care is to be awake–awake to the signals, awake to the abuse and awake to the answers. Teachers appear when the student is ready. If you wonder if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, don’t put your fears in a box and try to go on without resolving this mystery, because it will only get worse.

The first step to self-care is awareness, without waking up, we’ll continue to sleep on having nightmares about our pain, wondering what possibly could be wrong without fully waking up to do something about it.

Everything Shapes Us

9 Jan

Some people disagree with the saying, “What happens in childhood never stays in childhood.” They want us to forget about the past and move on, but what they don’t realize is we are affected by the past every day. It affects how we eat, sleep and do business. It grooms our relationships and influences our careers. The past determines how we pray to God or if we even pray at all. We carry it with us every day.

 I am all the ages I have ever been.
-Anne Lamott

Peach Rose, Everything Shapes Us Meme

Peach Rose, Everything Shapes Us Meme

 

If we’ve had years of negative shaping, it might take some time to turn things around, but don’t let the past get you down. We are no longer victims, we get to decide what will shape us this year.

The natural law of sowing and reaping gives us the power of incremental change. It’s not a myth, it’s a given–just like gravity brings us back to earth and the flowers bloom in the spring, we all reap exactly what we sow. This not only comes true in the garden, but in our relationships and all other pursuits.

Everything we eat, every move we make, every song we listen to is shaping us—either in positive or negative ways. The people we hang out with or even keep on our newsfeed have a part in shaping us, so it’s important to make sure they are in alignment with what matters to us. Want a better spiritual life? Invest where it matters. Now is the time to dream and shape how you will be feeling a year from now.

If we want to make more art, we can sow a little paint on canvas. If we want to make more music, we can plant a few notes before we go to bed. God created natural laws to reward our behavior. The past is never completely in the past, but the good news is everything shapes us and we get to start over today.

As long as you’re breathing,
it’s never too late to do some good.
-Maya Angelou

We can never forget the past, hopefully we can learn our lessons from it.

Woman who SURVIVED Auschwitz because Nazis ran out of gas turns 101

New cards! If you share this blog on FB or comment below, I’ll put you in the drawing for next Friday. Here’s a sneak preview:

Sneaky-preview

The winner of the last drawing is Lisa Henton. If you send your address to cherilynclough.com, and I will get those out to you.

No Contact–Until Further Notice

7 Jan

“No Contact” comes about because the narcissist has been such a jerk to you they don’t deserve to be in in your life anymore. When it comes to going no contact, it seems oxymoronic or just plain moronic to say, “How can you be so cruel as to shut someone out of your life who has lied to you and about you and used you?”

It’s not cruel, it’s the only sane option. No Contact has nothing to do with lack of forgiveness. I find it amusing when Christians are quick to tell victims to forgive and forget. No Contact is NOT about revenge or lack of a forgiving spirit–it’s about protection for those who have been injured. There is no reason to put up with repeated abuse. We can forgive people from a distance, but we can’t let them continue to use and abuse us.

Little Red Riding Hood No Contact

Little Red says, “No contact.”

 

The only relationship worth having is one based on mutual respect. If your narc parent or narc ex cannot accept you as an equal and treat you with respect you have no real choice but to go no contact. This is not a lack of forgiveness on your part, it’s simply the state of the union between you.

A narcissist won’t change and to further engage with them will only bring more damage to yourself. So for those just realizing their own pain and recognizing how their toxic narcissistic relationships have been sabotaging their health, I suggest you go no contact until further notice–a notice that only the Narc can give and a notice that says at least one of the following and preferably all–

  1. I accept you as you are and will stop trying to mold you into my image.
  1. I am sorry for the way my choices have influenced and affected your childhood and life.
  1. I am sorry for the lies I told to you and about you. I promise to be honest in the future.

Chances are if you are dealing with a true narcissist, none of the above will ever come to pass. However this check list will stand as a reminder to you that you deserve honesty and respect in your relationships. If any person–your parents, boss, ex or relatives cannot respect you, going no contact will be necessary until further notice.

PS If you want a phone case with this picture on it, you can find it on my etsy. I also do custom orders so you can order it for any type of phone.

Little Red Riding Hood No Contact Case

Little Red No Contact Case

 

Gratitude and a New Word for 2015!

29 Dec

It’s the end of the year and I’ve updated my Facebook picture for the first time in five years. It wasn’t easy to do, but I appreciate all of my friends who liked it—friends who love me despite the fact that I am not skinny or perfect or beautiful. Friends who understand with Maya Angelou, that I too, am a phenomenal woman.

I was taught to hide while I was growing up. Hide if you didn’t look good enough. Hide in the house and not answer the door to bill collectors. Hide and not answer the door if your friends come over and your house is not perfect. I was taught to hide how many times I moved and how little education I had. I was taught to never mention weight around my mom or moving and our life of instability to my dad.

I have hid in sheds, cabins, houses and in cars—below the window, watching the trees whip by in the sky because I was of school age, but I didn’t go to school. And I was taught to lie to church members and say I was doing home study when I never took one course and my parents never bought one school book.

How do you overcome a life of hiding behind little lies that glue and hold your family together like one big spider web? And how do you overcome when your parents lie about you to a judge to discredit you for telling the truth and laugh when you confront them? This happened over five years ago, but still I’ve been hiding. Until I learned what narcissism is, before I couldn’t connect the dots so I continued to hide.

I think we can stop hiding when we can forgive ourselves for not being perfect. I’ve decided to forgive myself for not being the weight I wish I was, not writing the books I wish I had written, not making art years ago and not being assertive enough in my past. When we forgive ourselves, we can release the old and get on with the new.

Pink Lotus Forgive Yourself Meme, Mixed Media Art

Pink Lotus, Forgive Yourself Meme

 

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story,
the light side and the dark.
In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am
and what God’s grace means.
– Brennan Manning

Last year my word was motion. I think I was trying to find a way to make some sort of motion to stop hiding, but I wasn’t sure how it was going to happen. I made some moves–first by publishing a book of my great grandparents’ love letters. Then I came out of hiding by making art and oh, wait for it—walking in public which literally terrifies me. I think I’ve made some progress, but I still have much to do in all of these areas.

This year I am choosing a very intentional word—RELEASE!


RELEASE:

re·lease
rəˈlēs/
verb
 
1. Allow or enable to escape from confinement; set free. 
“the prisoners would be released” to set free, let go/out, allow to leave, liberate, set at liberty

2. Allow (something) to move, act, or flow freely.

 

My first RELEASE is Gratitude:

Gratitude for the joy of making art and getting paid for it.

Gratitude for my artist friends from Art 101 who cheered me on and challenged me to make better art.

Gratitude for my husband who is my number one patron, best friend, lover and partner in the crime of tearing down the masks and freeing others to do the same.

Gratitude for my family members–whether we see eye to eye is irrelevant to love.

Gratitude for my Christian friends both in the blogging community and in person. I am thrilled that I belong to an active and very loving church–the value of which cannot be over stated.

Gratitude for the ACoN Community who also supports me and encourages me. By telling our stories we are healing each other!

Gratitude to God for energy and health to make it through another year.

Gratitude for my sweet feline muses Kitteh Coon Cosette Evangeline and Minkah Mhotep.

RELEASE

As I look forward to 2015, I plan to stay out of hiding and RELEASE some things I have been holding onto for years.

Release anxiety and fear and ban them from my life.

Release unwanted pounds (we’ll see how this goes).

Release more art–Artist Kelly Rae Roberts calls this unleashing our joy—It is a sweet release!

Release my story—It’s time to own my story. I’ve been working on a couple memoirs for a few years and I believe 2015 is the year to finish them.

Release those family members who do not choose to walk with me in authenticity and integrity to do as they choose with no hard feelings.

Release myself from the expectations of others. I will listen to and answer to God–not any human being.

Perhaps you too, are choosing a word instead of a resolution. Words are not only freeing, they empower us to dream of the good we can do in this new year. You know that famous quote from Gladiator? Well it’s true, so dream of the good you can do!

What we do now (in this life) echoes in eternity.
-Marcus Aurelius

PS If you share your word in the comments below or share my blog on Facebook, I will enter you into a new drawing–this time for a pack of Little Red Survivor Cards. The winner of the last drawing for a pack of Healing Flowers cards is Barbara from HomesteadHillFarm.

And here is a little reminder for all the phenomenal women who read my blog–let’s come out of hiding and own and claim it!
(RIP Dear Maya!)

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