What Does Jesus Say to the ACoN Soul?

23 Dec

Many Christians are celebrating the birth of Jesus, but some have misrepresented God by abusing others. What does Jesus actually say to the ACoN* soul?

1. I Never Planned for You to be Hurt
I have given everyone freedom of choice but some have used their freedom to harm others (Matthew 18:6). The abuse you have suffered is the result of sin damaged people living in a damaged world where my enemy is the father of lies.

2. I Came to Bring You Peace
In a world where you have been bullied and threatened nearly from birth, I came in the form of a baby (Isaiah 9:6) to bring peace and show you that as God, I am a non-threat. (What’s dangerous about a helpless baby?) As God-Man, I modeled a life of non-violence (Matthew 5:44) and the way I choose to use my power is to serve you (John 13:3-5).

3. I Won’t Condemn You
No matter what you’ve done, my middle name is forgiveness (Exodus 34:6) I didn’t come into the world to condemn you (John 3:17).  You may have other accusers, but I am not one of them (John 8:10,11).


4. I Designed You to be Free
My first gift to you is freedom of choice. Unfortunately some people use their freedom to harm others, but that’s not how I intend them to use it. I came to remove your oppression from others using their power over you (Luke 4:18) and even more to help you be free from your own mistakes. It is my will for you to have self-governance.

5. I Won’t Threaten You With Fire
Despite what many Christians believe, that’s not my style (Luke 9:54-55). Remember I am the one who teaches you to turn the other cheek and I am not a hypocrite, I will not ask you to do one thing and do another.

6. Gaslighting Never Comes From Me
I only embrace truth and I do not support lies. My enemy is a liar from the beginning (John 8:44), but the truth will set you free (John 8:32).

7. Flying Monkeys Don’t Come From Me
I always speak truth and encourage people to speak directly to each other and not through a third party (Matthew 18:15-18).

8. Your Heavenly Father Looks and Acts Just Like Me
The Father and I are one (John 10:30) and I am the exact representation of the Father (Hebrews 1:1-3). If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father (John 14:9-11).

9. Please Don’t Worry About Your Future
I have good plans for you, but each day has its own trouble (Matthew 6:34). I will never leave you (Hebrews 13:5) and I am here to supply all of your needs (Philippians 4:19) and I will help you with the future.

10. I Will Never Stop Loving You
I am on your side (Romans 8:31). I love you with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). My love is not self-seeking like a narcissistic parent (1 Corinthians 13:5), I am here for you and I will win you with kindness (Romans 2:4).

*ACoN – Adult Children of Narcissists

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Anyway

18 Dec

Do you have happy memories of Christmas or sad? Which do you pull out of the past?

Many ACONs have sad memories of Christmas and despite what people might think they are usually not sad over not having enough gifts–more like sadness over raging parents and family fights and emotional abuse. My own sad memories are related to Christmas music classics.

I remember the December when I was ten. It was getting close to Christmas, we were poor, but we never realized it because we were young enough to just love all the music, treats and lights of the season. The song “We need a Little Christmas” was playing on the record player and we kids were dancing and hopping around the room on sofa cushions scattered across the floor.


My mom was making pancakes and dancing while she waited to flip her pancake. We rarely saw her dance. With a spatula in one hand, to four kids under eleven, it looked hilarious. It was a happy moment until my dad came crashing through the door and yelled, “Turn that down.”

My siblings immediately ran to the bedroom and I ran over and lifted the needle on the record player. The silence was only broken by him looking for a screwdriver. Then he went back to the garage and the house remained silent. That moment defines my saddest Christmas memory. And believe me there were many years we went without presents or a tree. I have decided one can live without trees and presents, but living without joy is heart wrenching.

Every year, no matter where I am, when I hear Christmas Classics like Bing Crosby or Nate King Cole–it doesn’t matter that I can acknowledge the music as beautiful, if I listen for long, a deep melancholy settles over my soul. It all goes back to my bubble of joy that burst that December day in 1974.

Some people might say, “Wow! Get over it already!” And I truly wish I could. I have no animosity toward my father for this–to be fair this was the first Christmas after his mother died. Who knows all the struggles he felt as a young father. No, I don’t hold grudges and I never blame him, but what happens in childhood, never stays in childhood. The memories of other times he punished me for listening to music are all echoes of that one moment in time. My legs stinging from the belt only added fear to my depression.

I’ve been told to re-frame the sad stuff and that helps. Re-framing can take a number of turns; it might be new traditions, new family and friends or new music. For me, part of re-framing is accepting my parents have different tastes and ways to look at life than I do. I don’t think it makes either of us bad–just different. I have had to re-frame nearly everything I once thought about Christmas.

A few years ago, I re-framed one of the most beautiful Christmas songs by rewriting it with words that mean something to me. I’m excited to have one of the most amazing singers in town to sing it this week at church. (Thanks Whitney!)

If your parents don’t embrace who you are or still try to form you into their mold, re-frame the pain and have yourself a merry little Christmas anyway!

Here are my reframed words:

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Look beyond the lights
Take some time to think about that starry night

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Just in case you’re blue
Whether you’ve been good or bad—God cares for you

Can’t you see that the greatest gift that the world has ever known
Was the gift of Emmanuel—God with us, His love now shown

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Send your cares away
Give your heart and soul to him who hears you pray

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Think what God has done
He loved so much, He sent to us His only Son

He sent Him not to condemn us–but to give us better days
He came to show us the Father and to teach God’s loving ways.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Put your toys away
Stop and think about the awesome price He paid
And give your heart to the Savior of the world today.
-Cherilyn Clough

‘Tis the Season for Cookie Bombing

14 Dec

Are you having trouble finding the joy this season due to lack of love in your narcissistic family? Try doing random acts of kindness and cookie bombing.

Call it karma, intrinsic law or the circle of life, but we all need to give in order to live. Natural laws like gravity are just reality. Think about how the trees give us oxygen and we give carbon dioxide back to the trees. Rain completes the circle from snow to rivers to the ocean and back to the clouds. Autumn leaves give life to the soil and contribute to life in the spring. Electricity even runs on a circuit. We were created to give.

There are many ways to give—encouragement, love, support, acceptance, unconditional love—all of these are free, but missing in a narcissistic relationship. Narcissistic feed disrupts this life-giving cycle because the giving only goes one way. Like the Dead Sea, the narcissist has stopped giving.

It’s easy to get discourage about giving when people you know have been taking from you without giving, but don’t let yourself become like the Dead Sea–give whatever you can and live–just don’t contribute to the dysfunctional cycle by giving to the narcissist.

There will always be some Christians who misunderstand the debilitating nature of serving a narcissist and they will say that Jesus says to love our enemies. Yes, Jesus taught us to our enemies, but when the crowd wanted to crown Jesus king because He gave them food, He disappeared from their sight instead of feeding them everyday. Giving too much creates dysfunctional relationships.

When we give to those who are not expecting it, we often rediscover joy. This is what Christmas is about–giving like Jesus gave to us. So your mission, should you chose to accept it, is to go out cookie bombing.


What You Need:

    • A few extra dollars for drive through
    • The ingredients and ability to make cookies
    • Curly ribbon and party bags
    • Your favorite Christmas tunes
    • Follow the recipe below to make some bright and fun cookies.
    • Fill party bags with cookies, tie with curly ribbon and crank up the tunes and head out to cookie bomb.
    • Start at your favorite drive through and give away a couple bags of cookies to the cashier while paying for the drinks for the people in the car behind you.
    • Enjoy your drink and head out to your friends’ houses to cookie bomb. Make sure you bomb as many people as you meet along the way–especially strangers! Whether they are a homeless, young or old, rich or poor, working or playing give them a bag of cookies and let the joy begin.


2 sticks butter or margarine

2 C sugar

2 eggs

2 t vanilla

4 C flour (sifted)

1 t baking powder

1/2 salt

PREHEAT: oven to 350

BEAT: butter and sugar in mixer until creamy

ADD: egg and vanilla and beat until smooth

STIR: flour, baking powder and salt in separate container

ADD: flour mixture gradually to butter/sugar mixture

ROLL: dough into a ball and wrap with wax paper


CHILL: dough in fridge for one hour or overnight



ROLL: out dough and form into cookies


BAKE: for 10-15 minutes or until very slightly brown—Do NOT over bake—some smaller cookies may only take nine minutes



1 lb confectioner’s sugar

5 T meringue powder

Scant 1/2 C water

Wilton food coloring pastes of choice

BEAT: all icing ingredients with paddle in electric mixer until mixed—don’t over mix or it will cause bubbles in icing

SPREAD: immediately on cooled cookies with icing spreader or store in airtight container

You can get squeeze bottles for the icing at a craft store to flood the cookies. Just  make sure the first layer drys before adding the second.



 Give, and it will be given to you.
A good measure, pressed down,
shaken together and running over,
will be poured into your lap.
For with the measure you use,
it will be measured to you.
-Jesus (Luke 6:38)


Enjoy this new Christmas song by one of my favorite groups Pentatonix :

Religious Narcia 7 – The Release

11 Dec

Releasing is how we choose to handle all the stuff the narcissist has dumped on us. We are responsible for how we choose to carry this load. The load is overwhelming and could break us down so we release it back to the universe and give it to Jesus so we can walk upright and free.

We release our expectations and dreams of having a good relationship with someone who sees us and our resources as a commodity to use.

We release the expectations put on us to meet the Narcissist’s needs, fully realizing others may never understand why we must do what we do.


Where you didn’t choose to walk through a wardrobe, but found yourself thrown into the darkness by a narcissistic Christian.

We release the petty rules we grew up with or put up with in our efforts to please someone who asked us to play a game we could never win.

We release the lies told to us and about us and embrace the truth, knowing that Jesus is the Truth and always on the side of the truth.

We release the Flying Monkeys and all they say because we realize at any moment they too, could become a source for narcissistic feed. We also release the need to save or correct them.

We release the caricature of God fed to us in this gospel of abuse called Religious Narcia and we seek to know and understand the healing truth about God as manifested in Jesus.

We release the past and all who were part of it as we look forward to and choose healthier horizons.

We release negativity and all the painful parts of our stories so we can embrace gratitude and find joy in the moment.

Most of all we release our hearts to love again and be brave enough to find honest friends and family to build a circle of community with healthy thinking and living.

New Healing Flowers in Etsy Shop

28 Nov

Hi Friends,

It’s been a beautiful autumn here in Southern Oregon. The leaves went out in a blaze of glory, but now most have fallen from the trees. In Oregon, you can get a tree permit for five bucks–which is one of the best deals around. We went tree hunting yesterday because we wanted to get up to the high country before the snows come. There is nothing like bringing the wonderful scent of fir into the house.

I hope your holiday season is starting out peacefully and without much stress. My husband and I are practicing simple abundance this year. We like to shop on Etsy to pick up some unique gifts without fighting the crowds, which gives us more time to enjoy the season with each other and friends. This latest series in my Etsy store is all about healing flowers. I designed each piece with the colors of summer as a reminded to take care of ourselves through the dark winter days.

Whether we give to a friend or keep for our own inspirations, I think the gifts that speak to us all year are the best, don’t you? Through December 7th, all original art is 25% off. Here are a few close ups.

Have a peace-filled season wherever you shop!









Relationship Cycles in Religious Narcia

21 Nov

Religious Narcia–Enter at Your Own Risk
Many people don’t realize there are progressive steps in a relationship with a religious narcissist (and with any narcissist for that matter.) See if you can find these patterns in the narcissistic relationships you have known.

1. The Second Coming of the Pharisees
So nice and so holy acting, the narcissist seems thrilled to meet (er use) you, but unlike healthy relationships of give and take between equals, the narc is mainly excited because they see your potential and have plans to use you, but you probably won’t realize it yet, so you will continue trying to be nicer to keep the narc happy. All of this will be displayed by great religious talk and prayers and expectations–don’t forget the expectations.

2. The Need for Feed
There are things the narc needs you to do in order for them to stay happy, this is called narcissistic feed. In the Christian setting, the pressure is on to do and give and be all the narcissist expects you to be. This feeding stage could last for years or until you run out of health and money trying to meet their needs.

A child raised by a narcissist usually sees their parent as queen or king and has no clue other adults have equal relationships, so many ACONs* will struggle for decades trying to please their parents, but a short term relationship could blow up immediately when a mature person recognizes the designs the narc has for them.



Where you didn’t choose to walk through a wardrobe, but found yourself thrown into the darkness by a narcissistic Christian.


3. Spiritual Mind Games
Follows the demise of the feeding stage. You might continue trying to meet the narcissist’s needs until one day you don’t have the time or money to continue and then all hell will break out because you will be messing up their plans. If they are a so-called Christian, they will bring out the big guns of hell fire and judgment and tell you how much you are failing as a Christian–because of course the narcissistic mind believes he is closer to God than you. The narcissist’s unchrist-like goal is to use his power over other people–Completely. Misses. Point. of. Jesus. Washing. Feet.

4. Self-Righteous Indignation 
If you ignore the narc’s rude behavior and fail to meet his needs, he won’t just get mad, he will get even. Of course this goes against everything Jesus taught, but the narcissist has rationalized around his selfish behavior for so long it’s second nature for him. He does this through lying about you to all your friends and looking for ways to ruin your relationships.

This is not a pretty battlefield but chances are you won’t realize it until you see the casualties when people stop talking to you that you’ve never had a problem with before. This hurts, but your true friends know you and will refuse to take sides with the narc. And Jesus always stands on the side of truth.

5. Martyrdom and Flying Monkeys 
The narc tells every one how ungrateful you are for their kindness to you. He suffers greatly and it’s your fault because you failed to be a good Christian. No martyr can take the stage without witnesses, so enter the flying monkeys who will listen to the narc and carry his warnings of fear and shame back to you. If you are aware of this, no one–not even the flying monkey church members can hurt or confuse you.

6. The Shunning 
When narc has run out of ways to ruin you, he is finish with you and you are dead to him. He has no concern for how he’s ruined your relationships or life. He feels you have committed the unpardonable sin and now he plays god washing his hands of you. If this is a religious narc and a church member, it might be painful to go to church where God represents unity and be totally shut out, but the child of a religious narc will suffer much more. She might find anything to do with God or church nauseating. We all want our parents to love us and it’s hard to realize you never actually had a parent–you had a narc. What many do not realize is that God is a good parent and not at all like a narcissistic parent.

7. The Release
You deserve is a real relationship with an equal adult who respects your choices and cares even when you disagree or don’t meet their needs. Once you refused to be used, you went through emotional hell while the narc attacked your character and destroyed your casual relationships, but now there is an eerie silence much like the silence after a bomb has destroyed an entire block. That block is not your life. You are just living next door. There are messes to clean up, but even in the rubble flowers will soon sprout up.

Any time someone dumps manure on you, it will turn to fertilizer and your life will bloom brighter than ever. You are a survivor and soon to be thriver. Release all the negativity the narc has dumped on you and bloom. Release yourself to listen to music, dine with friends, praise God from your heart, take an art class and celebrate life in new ways.

*ACoNs -Adult Children of Narcissists

Religious Narcia 6–The Shunning

18 Nov

When the narc has used you and discovers you no longer meet their needs or refuse to go along with their drama, they will act as if you are dead. It’s painful at first–until you realize your life is suddenly much more peace-filled. The drama is gone and all you hear is silence. It’s like a first big snow that covers up all the mess and sound and you can finally listen to your own heart.


Where you didn’t choose to walk through a wardrobe, but found yourself thrown into the darkness by a narcissistic Christian.

Now the narcissist sees you like a dry well and they will move on to someone else. You might have thought you had a relationship with the narcissist, but in reality they were simply using you. This shunning might feel like social death at first, but it has nothing to do with God’s kingdom. Despite his profession to know God, the religious narcissist does not represent God. Jesus never manipulates people with shunning and He never casts anyone out who lives in harmony with His law of love.

Of course, not all narcissists will shun you. Some may keep disturbing your life and you might need to put them on No Contact. The irony of this situation is the narcissist might tell others you are not being a good Christian because you’ve shunned them. This will send a flock of flying monkeys to question your integrity.

Christian flying monkeys love to quote scripture and give you dire warnings about how you might be harming the narcissist’s soul.  Remind the Christian Flying Monkeys that Jesus says two cannot walk together unless they are agreed. Jesus does not ask you to stay and allow another person to enslave you or abuse you–He came to set all captives free and separating from a narcissist is your beautiful God-given freedom.

To have a healthy relationship both parties must respect each other and both need to walk in truth. If your narc parent is still lying about anything–taxes, relatives or jury duty, chances are he will lie about you too. People who lie to you and about you, really are not your friends and they have no business knowing your business. This is obvious, but if you were raised by a narc and had no boundaries growing up, separation might be hard to do. It’s your choice to shut people out if they don’t treat you like a friend.

Despite what all the good Christian flying monkeys say, You can choose no contact for your own sanity and protection. If the narcissist really wants to have a relationship with you, he can start by telling the truth and admitting all the mean things he did to you in the past, but remember he is a narc, so don’t let your expectations get too high.

Of course you are not shunning, but setting a healthy boundary. While you might go “No Contact” in protection mode, the narcissist shuns people in manipulation mode. He wants you to pay for not meeting his needs and the shunning may last only as long as he thinks he needs to punish you. Or he may realize you will never again give him the narcissistic feed he wants so he will move on to someone else.

If you choose to go No Contact , you can’t let flying monkeys shame you into talking to the narcissist. Unless they too grew up with a narc or had one for a teacher or neighbor, they will really have no clue what you are up against. On the other hand, if the narcissist is shunning you, accept that as a gift of freedom and go out with your friends and celebrate.

This goes along with one of my favorite sayings:

You own everything that happened to you.
Tell your stories.
If people wanted you to write warmly about them,
they should have behaved better.
-Anne Lamott

This goes for any type of relationship with a narcissist–Christian or not, if they really want you in their life, they need to behave better.

This brings us to Religious Narcia 7 — Release.

Religious Narcia 5–Martyrdom and Flying Monkeys

18 Nov

If raging doesn’t give a Religious Narcissist what they want, they have more tricks in their bag–

  1. Playing the victim card

The religious narcissist imagines he is a perpetual victim. If other people don’t see it his way, he assumes they are wrong. He will stop at nothing to make others fit his warped view of the world. Of course for the narcissist, martyrdom is only as good as his audience, so here come the flying monkeys.

  1. Sending in the flying monkeys

The deacon who was relieved from deacon duty, now took to campaigning for a new pastor. He felt persecuted for doing his religious duty and since the pastor didn’t agree, he began to call up church members threatening to leave the church.

Soon the pastor’s phone was ringing with people who felt sorry for the poor deacon and wanted to know what they could do to help keep him in the church. They didn’t realize they were being manipulated to stress out the pastor. Such people are actually acting as flying monkeys for the narcissist.


Where you didn’t choose to walk through a wardrobe, but found yourself thrown into the darkness by a narcissistic Christian.

The narcissist plays the victim to attract flying monkeys. Flying monkeys are people who really know nothing about the issue at stake. They get emotionally involved because the narcissist spreads gossip about the person who won’t let him have his way.

This technique works well with religious people who feel sorry for the narcissist and believe it’s their God-given responsibility to keep the peace and make everyone happy. What these people don’t realize is they are being manipulated and no matter how hard they try, they won’t be able to make the narcissist happy.

When the narcissist puts you on trial and stirs up innocent people who aren’t sure what to believe, you might become discouraged, but don’t forget truth is on your side. It might be your word against the narc’s and some people might be suspicious of your motives, but Jesus always stands on the side of truth and He stands with you.

If someone wants to believe the narcissist over you, you probably don’t need such a friend anyway. Stick with friends who walk in truth and celebrate the joy of living in freedom. There is nothing you can do to fix this but be yourself. The narcissist can try to destroy your reputation, but he can’t touch your character.

What if a Narcissist Recruits Me?

If you allow the narcissist to talk to you about others, you too could become a narc’s flying monkey. You can avoid this by refusing to triangulate. Set a boundary with the narcissist by showing them Matthew 18 where Jesus tells us to speak to the person we have a problem with before we even give an offering to God. Let the narcissist know you are not willing to spread rumors or carry messages to a third party.

If everyone refused to talk about anyone else, it would stop narcissistic manipulation and many families and churches would be much safer places. The religious narc needs to be shown the door when they abuse others. If we want to act like Jesus, we can refuse to talk about others.

When people stop listening to the narcissist and tell him to speak directly to the person he has a problem with, the narc will start shunning you and everyone who will not listen to him.

This brings us to Religious Narcia 6-The Shunning.

Religious Narcia 4–Self-Righteous Indignation

18 Nov

There once was a deacon who carefully guarded the doors into the church sanctuary. Whenever young boys forgot where they were and ran down the aisles, he pointed an intimidating finger at them with an angry scowl. Sometimes he even did this to adults who spoke too loudly in the foyer. He felt it was his duty to guard the reverence of the church service and he did this with great pride and the attitude of a bulldog guarding a car lot.

He actually believed he was doing a good job. One day the pastor and elders visited to remind him that God’s house is not a car lot and the church has more precious inventory at stake. The pastors and elders explain how love is the only way to encourage reverence, but the deacon only took this to mean the church leaders were all soft on sin and against him and God.


Where you didn’t choose to walk through a wardrobe, but found yourself thrown into the darkness by a narcissistic Christian.

This narcissistic deacon was blind to the needs and feelings of other people. He had no empathy for the children, their parents, the elders or pastor. With self-righteous indignation the mindset of a Pharisee, he believed it was his moral duty to cleanse the temple as Jesus did of everyone who didn’t meet his standard.

Raging over the sins of other people is another symptom of religious narcissism. Many people are hypocrites, but the narcissist takes hypocrisy to a new level. He is not worried about what he sees in the mirror, because he rarely looks at his own faults. He’s addicted to venting his anger and likes to vent about the sins of others. He imagines he is working for God which allows him to justify his unchristian behavior.

The narcissist’s anger might seem to boil day and night as they obsess about the people who offend them, but the issue with narcissistic rage is it’s not about really about anger, it’s about control. When the narcissist can’t control people with force, he uses God as a weapon by threatening hell and judgment on those who refuse to meet his standards.

Nothing looks less like Jesus than a Christian who condemns other people. The religious narcissists were the people Jesus tried to wake up while He was on earth. Such Pharisees sadden the heart of God unlike any other, because they are blind and cannot see their own need for God. The people who killed Jesus were commandment keeping Sabbath keepers who didn’t recognize God.

The religious narcissist uses God’s name for their self-righteous indignation and so-called justice to get revenge on their enemies, but their justice is nothing like God’s justice. God doesn’t condemn or get even with people.

God looks exactly like Jesus. Jesus told us to love our enemies. God’s justice is to seek reconciliation as long as both parties are safe, but when someone is unsafe, there is nothing God or we can do, but let them go their own way.

This survival of the fittest mentality never comes from God, so if you know a Christian who practices such behavior, walk away. Remember, Jesus told us to shake the dust off of our feet wherever we are not wanted.

Chances are even if you walk away the narcissist isn’t through punishing you. He may have decided to involve your friends, so watch out for flying monkeys because they will soon be landing on your doorstep.

Religious Narcia 3–Spiritual Mind Games

18 Nov

In Religious Narcia, if you fail to meet the narcissist’s needs, he will manipulate you—even use the name of Jesus to get you to do what he wants. His need for feed propels the narcissist to control and manipulate you. Spiritual Manipulation comes in many forms and is often built on a false picture of a controlling God. The narcissist likes to think of God using power over much like he does, but nothing could be further from the truth.


Where you didn’t choose to walk through a wardrobe, but found yourself thrown into the darkness by a narcissistic Christian.

Some of the tools in the religious narcissist’s toolbox are criticism, shaming, legalism, judgment, fear, violence and shunning.

Criticism is one of the first manipulations most of us experienced as children if we grew up with a narc parent. It’s subtle and often framed with the comment “Why are you so sensitive?” The habit of jumping through hoops to please others started early for many of us and it is hard to break. Especially if it is couched with shame.

Christianity is a perfect environment to shame people because hurting people with low self-worth come to church looking for hope. Such people are especially vulnerable to manipulation. Guilt is the natural result of doing something wrong, but shame is an attack on our value as a human being. Don’t let the narcissist shame you–he should be ashamed that he would use the name of God to manipulate others, but most narcissists have numbed their conscience and can’t imagine feeling shame for the things they have done.

When people believe they have merit with God based on external behavior, they often imagine they are better than others and this sets them up to judge others. Many religious narcissists read the Bible like code book and try to decipher what they can and cannot get away with. When we choose to read the Bible as a case book, we see how God met many different people in different ways throughout the Bible and extended His grace to them in both testaments. We can’t let others be our conscience.

Religious narcissists often think of themselves as the so-called “watchman on the wall” and they try to enforce their desired behavior in others.

Religious narcissists like to judge the music, food, traditions and beliefs of others. If you pay close attention, you might notice they are incapable of having a relationship with you because they can’t see your heart, they are focused on your outward behavior and so busy judging they have no capacity for love. God’s ways are not human ways. God looks at our hearts–not our external behavior. Don’t let the religious narc hurt you, find people you have beliefs in common with and go hang out with them.

One of the most common pastimes in Religious Narcia is fear-mongering. Fear has been used to scare people in many ways from coming to church and baptism, to giving up all your money for fear of the future. Be especially aware of independent ministries who try to scare you into giving them money. Fear can be used to manipulate people into coming to changing the way they eat, dress, and worship. Make sure your changes are for God and not people.

Many religious narcissists get high off of warning other people about the disasters to come. There is some sort of power they feel when they can see the terror on other people’s faces and they can project their own fear onto others. A healthy relationship with God is not based on fear of dying or burning in hell—it is based on the kindness and love of Jesus.

Many martyrs have died through the centuries because someone decided to enforce their religious practices on others. In Religious Narcia, gossip is the same as committing social murder. Narcissists like to talk about the people they can’t control.

As a last resort when they feel they cannot milk you for anything else, the religious narcissist will shun you. 

Each of these methods are mind games the religious narcissist will play to bully people into providing narcissistic feed. If you can recognize this abuse for what it is, the narc will have no power over you and you can refuse to participate. Of course the narcissist might not be satisfied with you just walking away–chances are he has a motto that says, “I don’t get mad, I get even.”

This leads us to Religious Narcia 4- Righteous Indignation


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