The Persuader

24 Feb

Silently threatening
From the back of their bedroom door,
They jokingly call it “The Persuader,”
But I am not laughing.

It seems to have a life of its own.
Sometimes it does a random dance on the table,
Breakdancing against the fridge,
Causing dust to rise from the sofa
Where I am sitting.
When the end catches my arm,
I whimper.
The operator remains stoic as she says,
“Well, it’s your own fault;
You better get out of the way.”

There are days when its existence
Has nearly slipped my mind
Until he comes crashing through the door
Yelling with the voice of authority,
Shouting that I need to clean up the kitchen.
The power in his voice
Causes me to set down my sandwich
And bend over the couch.
The belt stings my legs over and over again.
Biting my tongue,
I refuse to cry.
Seventeen is too old to cry over a spanking.

When the anger storm is over
And he leaves the house,
I am finally alone.
From the depths of my soul,
I begin to wail.

I howl because the persuader has convinced me
That I have nowhere to go
That I have no right to a high school education
That I have no right to my own opinions
That I have no right to ask questions
Like why and how come,
That I have no right to question God.

They say they are doing their religious duty–
That God will punish me if they don’t
And would I prefer to be thrown into the lake of fire?

I cried out to Jesus, “Where are you?”
Then Jesus shows me how God uses His power:
The Creator beaten by His creatures until He bleeds.
I discover that God is not the way I thought He was.

Silent, hanging, without any motion
From the back of their bedroom door
The Persuader asserts its malicious spell
As it threatens and snears
That I don’t deserve more.
But Jesus whispers my name
And points to the scars on His back.

//

3 Responses to “The Persuader”

  1. Hoh February 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm #

    Oh. My. How sad. Your parents beat you out of anger. My father did the same. We become like the “god” we worship – and if we have a concept of a punishing, angry “god” – then we will behave the way our parents did.

    I’m so sorry for the pain you went through. May God continue to heal you and thank you for having the courage to write about things that most people won’t. Your writings always touch my heart.

  2. Lisa February 25, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    Fear is a lousy motivator. It causes shut down. How much greater a to receive motivation that moves you toward your goals, your dreams, your chance at life. Seeing YOU and knowing You, believing you have what it takes, giving you the tools, and watching you fly… now that’s a true persuader. I thank God that every time we open up the toxic shame and secret, that hope rises, and grows and gets stronger and larger and more real. Beautiful writing, amazing courage at truth telling, proud of your healing, friend.

  3. Cherilyn Clough February 26, 2012 at 8:49 pm #

    Yes, only by love is love awakened! Fear and control cannot produce love.

    Thank you for your support and prayers and love!

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