Is It Un-Christian to Go No Contact?

26 Nov

Little Red was stressed. After everything Wolf had done to her and her grandmother, he’d only gotten a few months in the slammer. Now he was out of prison and the chances of running into him were greater than they had been for months.

Red had forgiven him, but she was unsure what to do when he sent her and grandmother an invitation for a holiday dinner. Should she go and bring Grandma? Or should she go alone? Or should she do as grandma suggested–throw Wolf’s invitation into the rubbish heap.

As the shadows fell around the house, Red had an eerie feeling. It was the same creepy feeling she’d had when she was picking flowers on that terrible day. This time Red listened to her heart. For one thing, Mr. Wolf had never apologized for all the trauma he had put her through.

Red tossed the invitation into the outhouse, ran inside and locked the door. She would make other plans for dinner. She’d invite some safe friends over so she and Grandma would not be alone and they would play some parlor games and eat lots of huckleberry pie.

Holidays are a time of huge expectations. If you feel uncomfortable sharing a meal with your family this might be a good time to listen to your heart. Ask yourself why. Is there something that would solve this besides avoiding the family? If you have tried to communicate, but your feelings are ignored and you feel you can’t be yourself, it might be time to go either “low contact” or “no contact.”

One of the myths about adult children of dysfunctional families is they are bitter and have not forgiven because they are still talking about their pain. Choosing to have less contact does not mean we haven’t forgiven. Many people are still in the process of healing and may have trouble moving on because the pain of a broken relationship is like a death in the family.

Those who accuse us of not forgiving have either not experienced the betrayal and abandonment of a parent–or they are in denial about their own issues. There are some people who will continue to deny what they’ve done and try to bully others until their dying day. These people, like the wolf, are simply unsafe to be around no matter what they say.

There are people who ask: Isn’t it un-christian to go no contact? Didn’t Jesus tells us to love our enemies? These people need to take into account everything Jesus says. He also said liars are from their father the devil. It’s not Christian to lie, cheat and use other people.

Go Where Celebrated, CherilynClough.com, www.etsy.com/shop/LittleRedSurvivorArt

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Jesus told his friends to leave a house where they are unwanted and kick the dust from their feet. If any of us are unwanted even within our own family, isn’t it better to leave, than to stay and fight? For some people going no contact is simply turning the other cheek and walking away from a fight.

Going no contact is one way to stop being a victim and stand up for yourself. No contact can even be a part of the final stages of grieving for some people.

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defines the five emotional stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Many adult children of dysfunctional families have been in three of the stages–denial, bargaining and depression for years. Sometimes we need to get in touch with our healthy anger before we can find acceptance for our situation.

If you have been in an ongoing, abusive situation of any kind, healthy anger might include going no contact. It might not be forever, but it should continue until both parties can respect each other. When our family members are put on low or no contact they have options–

1. They can ignore the situation

2. They can continue with the same lies and behavior

3. They can play the victim and complain

4. They can call us up and ask us what they can do to repair the relationship

Relationships are always a two way street and the phone goes both ways as well.

No contact is one way of taking your power back. This leads to acceptance and acceptance is the realization we cannot change anyone but ourselves.

No contact is acceptance. It’s saying “I realize I can’t change you and I accept that we can’t have a healthy relationship so I will fill my life with people who care about me rather than have a martyr-like relationship with you.”

Wherever we are in the process, the sooner we stop bargaining and leave denial, the sooner we get in touch with our healthy anger, the less we might be depressed and the sooner we can accept that yes, we came from a dysfunctional family, but we are taking control of our own lives and we will be okay.

11 Responses to “Is It Un-Christian to Go No Contact?”

  1. dharmagoddess November 26, 2013 at 7:31 pm #

    You’re hitting all the marks here. Well done.

  2. Cherilyn Clough November 26, 2013 at 7:37 pm #

    Ah thank you! It’s nice to know my experiences can be used to help someone else.

  3. dharmagoddess November 26, 2013 at 8:24 pm #

    There are so many benefits from the blogging community in this way. The details might not be the same but analagous learning constitutes a form of support and reduces the tendency toward isolation and separation. Don’t get me wrong, I turtle as often as I need to and no longer feel anything negative because of it. I think no contact is a continuum concept. I have never been stellar at balance. 🙂 Ah well. Work continues.

    Best,

    Dharma

  4. madnessandeuphoria November 27, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

    This is beautiful, perfect.

  5. ellagamberi February 23, 2015 at 3:25 pm #

    I have a sister who has always claimed to be a christian yet she has always been abusive to me (11 years younger than her) both physically and verbally. I have tried to relate to her, forgive her behaviour and keep trying to renew our relationship as we have both gotten older. She is now in her sixties and still behaving like a six year old. I went no contact with her some years ago (confirmed in writing so she can’t deny it). Yet I found a recent prayer request on line written by her asking people in another church in another country to pray for us because according to her we are being influenced by demonic forces. She can’t accept that anyone would cut her off because of her own actions.

    She is still playing the victim, although her action of naming our names on a public website and telling the whole world what she thinks of us is taking it to a whole other place.

    The only consolation I have is that this simply proves to me and my now adult children that this woman is to be avoided at all costs. If she can’t have what she wants, she cries, throws tantrums, makes vague apology noises (I am sorry for whatever I did) and expects that I will continue to allow her to behave as she has always done with no repentance, no change, no acknowledgement that we have suffered at her hands.

    Paul tell us that we are to have nothing to do with reprobates and those who simply refuse to acknowledge their sin. As painful as it is, and as wrong as it feels to cut them off, it is absolutely necessary for their own salvation to do so.

  6. Cherilyn Clough February 23, 2015 at 4:20 pm #

    It is a common misunderstanding among some Christians that “No Contact” is satanic or unchristian. It is simply the end of the road for the narcissist’s behavior. Even when a person calls themselves a Christian, when they lie, belittle, gossip or tell stories about others, they are the ones who are acting like their father the devil as Jesus put it. The devil has been a liar from the beginning. To say get behind me to the devil and to pursue no contact is actually Christlike. It sounds unchristian until we realize the broken relationship occurred long before the No Contact happened–it began when a selfish, narcissistic person is abusive and does not apologize or own their behavior and yet continues to put down the people they have hurt and expects them to forgive and forget. Abusers use the term forgive and forget because they hope we will forget what they have done so they can abuse us again.

    If your sister truly wants to have a relationship with you, she should find a way to make right what she has done in the past by not only apologizing, but by owning her mistakes and choosing to behave differently in the future. Telling others about the situation who are not a party to it is a proof she is not ready to own her own junk and just wishes to blame others. Like you said it is proof that No Contact WAS necessary. I am sorry you do not have a real sister. I hope you have good friends. Friends are the family we choose.

  7. MessyMindedMama November 20, 2015 at 6:53 am #

    Reblogged this on It's a mess in my mind and commented:
    This is exactly what I struggled with. I struggled with my being a “good Christian” if I didn’t give him more chances and believe that he could change. I still struggle with this because he claims to be Christian, but he only seems to find God when he goes to jail, which he has 4 times since he’s been in my state. The sheer hypocrisy he would post on his Facebook by way of Religious/Godly posts would make me sick to my stomach. How can someone claim to be Christian and yet do such horrid things, including steal from a bank account that did not contain any of his money and abusing an intellectually disabled child. He is currently awaiting trial for that assault charge. I cling to the belief that Karma will get him, the sooner the better!!!

  8. Cherilyn Clough November 20, 2015 at 4:04 pm #

    Hi Mama,
    Lots of people claim to be Christian without living like Jesus taught us. I am sorry you have had to deal with this and I pray you can find peace and healing. God cares! When it comes to who to trust, I say Christian is as Christian does. If they call themselves Christian, it doesn’t really matter when they walk, talk and act like a narc! And whether we call it karma or the law of sowing and reaping, it’s a natural law that eventually whatever we sow we will reap. And that includes letting unsafe people near us and our children. May God bless and protect you and your children!

  9. Dalilah February 23, 2016 at 12:33 pm #

    I have tried No Contact at least twice with my mother … this time is different I am married with children now! This time I’ve researched and this time I no longer care… she showed her self toward my first son and that’s not acceptable ! I do worry on to explain this / her to my boys! Thanks for your info!

  10. Cherilyn Clough February 23, 2016 at 2:02 pm #

    Hi Dalilah,

    It sounds like you got clarity over emotions and that helped with your decision. What a lot of flying monkeys don’t get is that people don’t dream of going no contact until they have gone through so much pain in the relationship they finally say “Thus far and no more!”

    I wish you lots of peace and freedom!

    Cherilyn

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Reblog: Cherilyn Clough: Is It Un-Christian to Go No Contact? - Nyssa's Hobbit Hole - December 26, 2014

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