If you came from a family with a lot of secrets, your voice has been threatened from the beginning. Sometimes it’s even possible to lose it without realizing it. Here are five things that can steal your voice.
1. You Can Lose It Through the Censor
Our parents may have changed, may have died and possibly not intended what we heard, but whatever we think we heard has now become part of the tape playing in our minds. If it is a critical voice we hear, we may give up speaking the truth. The censor in your head repeats all the lies your narcissistic parents told you. Once you’ve heard those lies and in innocence believed them, it might take years to decipher truth from lies. The censor can be shut up with truth. It is truth that sets us free.
2. You Can Lose It Through Shunning
Narcissists like to talk about their Scapegoats. If you have been scapegoated, chances are most people the narcs has spoken to will wonder what to believe and unless they know you very well, they might stop talking and listening to you because of lies the narc has told them. You can’t do anything about this except be yourself. Who you are and how you treat people will eventually show up. Honest people will seek the truth. Meanwhile, your parents lying about you is a good reason to separate yourself from them a little further. If they can’t honor the truth no need to give them any more information to twist.
3. You Can Lose It by Listening to the Flying Monkeys
The Flying Monkeys are often apathetic to what you’ve gone through. They just want peace in the family and it makes them feel good to please the narc parent. They imagine themselves as peacemakers, but a true peacekeeper maintains truth and freedom for all people. Peace does not equal silence–the blood on a thousand war battlefields can testify to that. Peace comes from wholeness and life. A family cannot be whole when one member is hurting. So what the flying monkeys are really asking is that you shut up your voice and ignore your pain so the rest of the family can continue their charades of love for each other.
4. You Can Lose It Through Well Meaning Friends
Well-meaning friends like to tell us how to patch up our lives–but unless they came from the same family dynamics, they really have no clue. They say, “Well your childhood happened years ago, why not get over it?” They don’t realize many ACoNs* don’t catch on until middle age–in other words many of us went on with the family script faking it until we realized what was actually going on.
Such friends mean well, but they are clueless. Their mother always thought of them before herself, so they can’t imagine a queen mum who rules the family. Because their parents paid the bills and cleaned the house, they don’t know how to relate to your situation of being an adult child. The danger is here is they might get to you second guess yourself and wonder if you dreamed up the nightmare that was your childhood. Don’t let people who don’t really get it confuse you.
5. You Can Lose It Through Self-Sabotage
This is actually the most dangerous threat to your voice. You’ve recited the critical voices of your narc parents for years. You’ve been shunned and shut out. The flying monkeys have taken their toll and now a friend from a wonderful family can’t figure out what is wrong with you. All of these voices combine to steal your voice. They scream don’t tell anyone how it feels–just put on your happy face and suffer on. But remember–we are only as sick as our secrets. When you get to the fork on the road take the road least traveled and step up to the soapbox.
Speak the Truth–Even When Your Voice Shakes
Tell it like it is. Tell the narcissistic father he had no right to take your money and your youth. Tell your narcissistic mother that God created mothers to nurture their young, not shove them away. Tell the flying monkey siblings to wake up and smell the blood crying to them from the ground because they walked away. Tell your story. Tell when you hurt and how you hurt, tell it for healing and tell it when you are healing, tell it to anyone willing to listen because maybe, just maybe someone who has a child will think twice before he beats his little daughter because you were willing to share your story.
*ACoNs-Adult Children of Narcissist