Religious Narcia

Religious Narcia 6–The Shunning

When the narc has used you and discovers you no longer meet their needs or refuse to go along with their drama, they will act as if you are dead. It’s painful at first–until you realize your life is suddenly much more peace-filled. The drama is gone and all you hear is silence. It’s like a first big snow that covers up all the mess and sound and you can finally listen to your own heart.

Where you didn’t choose to walk through a wardrobe, but found yourself thrown into the darkness by a narcissistic Christian.

Now the narcissist sees you like a dry well and they will move on to someone else. You might have thought you had a relationship with the narcissist, but in reality they were simply using you. This shunning might feel like social death at first, but it has nothing to do with God’s kingdom. Despite his profession to know God, the religious narcissist does not represent God. Jesus never manipulates people with shunning and He never casts anyone out who lives in harmony with His law of love.

Of course, not all narcissists will shun you. Some may keep disturbing your life and you might need to put them on No Contact. The irony of this situation is the narcissist might tell others you are not being a good Christian because you’ve shunned them. This will send a flock of flying monkeys to question your integrity.

Christian flying monkeys love to quote scripture and give you dire warnings about how you might be harming the narcissist’s soul.  Remind the Christian Flying Monkeys that Jesus says two cannot walk together unless they are agreed. Jesus does not ask you to stay and allow another person to enslave you or abuse you–He came to set all captives free and separating from a narcissist is your beautiful God-given freedom.

To have a healthy relationship both parties must respect each other and both need to walk in truth. If your narc parent is still lying about anything–taxes, relatives or jury duty, chances are he will lie about you too. People who lie to you and about you, really are not your friends and they have no business knowing your business. This is obvious, but if you were raised by a narc and had no boundaries growing up, separation might be hard to do. It’s your choice to shut people out if they don’t treat you like a friend.

Despite what all the good Christian flying monkeys say, You can choose no contact for your own sanity and protection. If the narcissist really wants to have a relationship with you, he can start by telling the truth and admitting all the mean things he did to you in the past, but remember he is a narc, so don’t let your expectations get too high.

Of course you are not shunning, but setting a healthy boundary. While you might go “No Contact” in protection mode, the narcissist shuns people in manipulation mode. He wants you to pay for not meeting his needs and the shunning may last only as long as he thinks he needs to punish you. Or he may realize you will never again give him the narcissistic feed he wants so he will move on to someone else.

If you choose to go No Contact , you can’t let flying monkeys shame you into talking to the narcissist. Unless they too grew up with a narc or had one for a teacher or neighbor, they will really have no clue what you are up against. On the other hand, if the narcissist is shunning you, accept that as a gift of freedom and go out with your friends and celebrate.

This goes along with one of my favorite sayings:

You own everything that happened to you.
Tell your stories.
If people wanted you to write warmly about them,
they should have behaved better.
-Anne Lamott

This goes for any type of relationship with a narcissist–Christian or not, if they really want you in their life, they need to behave better.

This brings us to Religious Narcia 7 — Release.

2 thoughts on “Religious Narcia 6–The Shunning”

  1. I started off as a child in a very legalistic church where a brother was a minister, as I got older, long story but I got married and after 10 years ended an abusive relationship, didn’t help to be in a controlling unhealthy church, I felt really low in life and my brother took me in and little did I know how abusive he was, he caused me some deep deep pain and I cut him off from my life to get healthy. He was a false prophet who used false scary prophesies and always claimed to be a man of God. He committed great sins and believes he doesn’t answer to no one. I’m finding the freedom and the unfailing love of God now through my freedom. I didn’t care what other family thought because they didn’t see the abuse till I finally started talking. What a relief to talk. It would take a book to write all the abuse, but in all that God is still my Hope

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Lisa,

    It is sad how many times the only person we can find to help us can also abuse us. It puts the person in a double bind. It definitely sounds like your brother is a false prophet. I’m sorry this happened to you, but I am glad you have risen above it. You might eventually write a book about it and help other people.

    Blessings to you!



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