According to her mother, Heidi is the black sheep of the family, but she wasn’t always the black sheep. She used to be her narc mother’s extension. If her mother wanted the rest of family to do something, Heidi was the flying monkey golden child who passed on her messages when her mother was upset. If her mother despised anyone, Heidi was expected to hate them too.
One day her mother had a big blowout with her sister. Heidi loved her aunt and refused to take sides–plus she knew her mom was the narc who was only thinking about herself. And that’s how Heidi became the black sheep because she decided to walk away from all the drama.
One of the biggest misconceptions about Adult Children of Narcissists is that they lack the courage to move on in life. Just because we are still affected by the events of our childhood, it doesn’t mean we haven’t moved on.
The truth is most ACONs* accepted their childhood for what it was–after all most of us knew of nothing else at the time. We thought our family life (strange as it was) was normal. No, it was the events in adulthood which finally woke most of us up.
It was only after we discovered how aftermath of narcissistic abuse has taken its toll on our health, finances and relationships.
Whatever we might think about ACONs, we can’t call them cowards. If you are reading this because of your past or current situation, just pause here and give yourself a hand for getting this far.
You are a survivor–whether the narcissistic abuse was physical, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual–just the fact you are reading this means you are seeking awareness.
It takes courage to wake up and discover things are not right, but it takes greater courage to speak of this truth and alienate our family members.
It takes courage to get off the superficial merry-go-round and throw the mask away, but it takes greater courage to forge a new path where no one in the family has gone before.
It takes courage to decipher our childhood mysteries and try to make sense of it and it takes greater courage to forgive ourselves for sleep walking through life and not seeing it before.
It takes courage to discover the people we love are unhealthy for us, but it takes greater courage to walk away from codependency and have tough love.
It takes courage to stand up for the truth against the onslaught of flying monkeys, but it takes greater courage to forgive them for they know not what they do.
It takes courage to do self-care when our parents raised us to put them first in everything, but it takes greater courage to get up in the morning and go out into the world and take control of our own destiny.
It takes courage to walk away from dead and false religion because it sucked the life out of our souls, but it takes greater courage to continue seeking truth in all things.
It takes courage to carry love in our hearts for parents who never put us first in childhood and now treat us with contempt, but it takes even greater courage to admit the fact they will never change.
It takes courage to go no contact and separate from our abusers, but it takes greater courage to reach out and form new family.
It takes courage to walk away from the hate and expectations of the narcissist, but it takes greater courage to find our own value and values and choose to fly.
It takes courage to say no to to the things that steal life, but greater courage to say yes to the possibilities that might bring a better life.
So don’t let the narc and the flying monkeys get you down. They can’t steal your courage–you are a courageous soul!
The paradox of having a courageous heart
is that it requires you to name things
that are not kind, not loving and not restored.
We need honesty.
Courage, dear heart!
*ACON – Adult Children of Narcissists