Want a new you, for the New Year?
How about getting to know the real you?
Chances are the narcissist has robbed
you of your authenticity.
If you feel like you want a makeover,
think about what sort of things you liked to do
before you were put down
or discouraged by the narc.
Maybe the real you is buried
underneath a ton of narcissistic sludge.
If you’ve been attacked by flying monkeys, you might even be questioning yourself. You might wonder if you’re the one who’s rude or crazy, but remember that’s probably just gaslighting from all the flying monkey chants. Remember the narcissist collects people like a bully and calls the crowd to a stoning. It’s not a physical stoning, but a verbal one and it still hurts. As a matter of fact if you’ve been pelted with put downs and personal attacks, you might even be suffering from an identity crisis.
It also might take some time to get to know yourself again. Do you have any hobbies, music or friends you gave up to hang out with the narc? If this is true, you might not need a makeover as much as a reclaiming of your own authentic self. If you’ve been in a long term relationship or grew up with a narcissistic parent, go easy on yourself because it will take some time to erase all the propaganda tapes running through your mind.
Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. This is because every other relationship is in response to how you view and care for yourself. If you want healthy relationships, your relationship with yourself always sets the precedent for who you allow into your life.
Think of your inner self as a gate keeper. Your relationships are all down a long hall full of doors. Each door represents a relationship and can only be opened from your side of the door. If your ex has lied about you and you tried to reconcile only to discover he is still lying whenever his lips move, then you can shut the door on him and walk on down the hall to find better company.
Let’s say the narcissist keeps knocking from his side of the door. Maybe he collects a crowd to shout at you from his side of the door. Whether you open the door or not, depends more on how you view yourself than how you view him.
If you think you’ve got no one else, if you feel unworthy of honest and kind relationships, if you think no one else will care about you, then you might open the door out of desperation to have someone in your life. Whether you open the door or not, your decisions will always be based on your feelings about yourself.
If you’ve developed a good relationship with yourself and value yourself, you will probably look at all narcissistic behavior from now on and say, I don’t deserve this crap in my life. You might even decide anyone who talks to others about you doesn’t deserve to waste your time. If this is your mindset, you’ll be safe from the narc because you won’t open the door.
And it’s easy to ignore the narc’s door when you have a nicer person standing behind the next door, but that could turn out to be a mistake too. If you don’t fully know yourself, you might fall for another narcissist. In the beginning, when it’s all wine and roses, narcissistic people are hard to recognize. Because narcissistic people are such two-faced liars, it sometimes takes years to realize their true character.
In the best case scenario, you will leave the narcissist, ignore his pounding on the door and walk on down that hall—not because there’s someone new or nicer or more handsome behind the next door, but because you know yourself and your beautiful, precious and caring self does not need that kind of negative energy.
So walk on dear friend, walk on down the hall and look in the mirror. Get to know yourself, who you and what you like and how you treat people. Of course there will be someone who cautions you about looking in the mirror because of the legend of Narcissus. Narcissus was looking at himself in the pond when he fell in the water and drowned. But there is more than one way to use a mirror. Not everyone who looks in the mirror worships self. The difference is how you look at yourself.
Some of us look in the mirror to wipe the chocolate off our faces or maybe examine our wisdom spots. Do you see blemishes in your character? Things you’ve said or done you wish to improve on? Do you long for kinder, wiser eyes? Looking into the mirror is not always vain or selfish—it can be the most honest act to face yourself for who you really are. You might not like everything you see—that’s normal, but if you can learn to be patient and have grace for your own mistakes, you’ll find patience and grace for others on a similar journey. Self-introspection is a healthy thing when it teaches you how to be a more loving person.
Once you embrace your true and private self, it will set the foundation for the self you are when you’re with other people. It will be your guide to which doors to open and close throughout your life. It will give you wisdom for which person is acting like a narcissist. As you open and close doors, it will empower you to have healthier relationships in the future.
It’s time to celebrate the New Year without the old narcissist. Along with tossing the narc, don’t forget to throw out all his lies too. It’s time to embrace your authenticity. You are someone beautiful and worthy of love. Don’t rush the process, take time to know yourself and enjoy the journey.