Why Going No Contact With a Narcissist is Necessary

Talia had enough.
Her abuser wasn’t sorry for the past
and continued to verbally abuse her.
It didn’t matter that he was a relative. 
For her own peace of mind,
she had to go “No Contact.”

Photo by María Victoria Heredia Reyes on Unsplash

Talia had was getting migraines. Her headaches started when she decided to confront her abuser. When she realized he had no remorse for what he had done, she tried to tell him how much he had hurt her. It was apparent her feelings didn’t matter to him. He wasn’t sorry, and he was never going to offer an apology. He even denied it had happened. That’s when Taila began to go crazy. The worst part of her situation was that her abuser was a relative and her parents love him. They invited him to every family gathering. Her mother tried to get her to forget about the past, but she couldn’t. Her mother began to take the abuser’s side, and eventually, Talia refused to come to any family dinners when her abuser was present. Of course, this upset the narcissist and all the flying monkeys, but it was her health, and for peace of mind, she had to go “no contact” with her abuser.

No Contact is a measure of last resort. It doesn’t happen because we’ve argued with a lover. It doesn’t happen because a sibling voted for a different candidate. “No Contact” comes about because the narcissist has been such a jerk to you they don’t deserve to be in your life anymore. When it comes to going no contact, it seems oxymoronic or plain moronic to say, “How can you be so cruel as to shut someone out of your life who has lied to you and about you and used you?”

It’s not cruel; sometimes it’s the only sane option. No Contact has nothing to do with lack of forgiveness. It’s cruel that some Christians are quick to tell victims to forgive and forget. No Contact is NOT about revenge or absence of a forgiving spirit–it’s about protection for those who are in pain. There’s no reason to put up with repeated abuse. We can forgive people from a distance, but we can’t let them continue to use and abuse us.

The only relationship worth having is one based on mutual respect. If your narcissistic parent or narc ex can’t accept you as an equal or treat you with respect, you have no choice but to go no contact. Going no contact is not a lack of forgiveness on your part; it’s merely the state of the union between you.

Most narcissists won’t change and to further engage with them only brings more damage to yourself. If toxic relationships are sabotaging your health, go no contact until further notice–a notice that only the narcissist can give and a signal that says at least one of the following and preferably all of them–

I accept you as you are and will stop trying to mold you into my image.

I am sorry for the way my choices have influenced and affected your life.

I am sorry for the lies I told to you and about you.

I promise to be honest in the future.

Chances are if you’re dealing with a true narcissist, none of the above will happen. You deserve honesty and respect in your relationships. If any person–your parents, old boss, ex-spouse or siblings can’t respect you, going no contact is necessary—unless or until the narcissist shows signs of remorse and gives you an apology. But don’t leave the car running, you’ll probably run out of gas waiting, so you might as well leave town and get on with your own life.

To go no contact, you need to lose the narcissist’s number and block them from all your accounts. You also need to find social support to deal with this loss in your life if the narcissist is a parent or sibling or ex-partner.

Talia never did get the apology she deserved, but she had fewer headaches and found peace of mind.