Remembering the Good, Even When it’s Bad

Not gonna lie, Mother’s Day was hard.
You see, I don’t hate my parents.
They aren’t monsters, but they broke our bond
when they lied about me.

Photo by Artem-Kovalev on Unsplash

My parents haven’t treated me like a friend for most of a decade now. I wish it wasn’t true. I wish I could go visit them on every holiday and bring gifts and bake food and stay for awhile and visit and laugh with them like I used to—before I woke up, but knowledge is painful.

They not only have never owned the stuff they did to me in childhood (which I easily forgave them for decades ago) but they play the victims and continue to talk about me to everyone in the family to the point I can hear their exact words in my sisters’ accusations last summer.

So no, my split with my family isn’t the result of my strange childhood—it’s their dishonesty and scapegoating in my adulthood. Some might wonder why would I want to write a memoir about people who have brought me so much pain? Because there was a time they brought me joy too.

It’s the split between who they started out to be and who they became. It’s the good memories as well as the crazy times that made me who I am too. It’s mostly my story, but they are players in the background. They certainly had influence in both negative and positive ways, but the more I examine my family stories, the more I find grace and compassion for my parents and other family members.

I just wish my family was safe to be around. Of course, they will say it is me that is the problem. They reason that everyone else has a problem with me, so, therefore, I must be the problem. They don’t even realize saying such a thing is proof that they have scapegoated me. Healthy people don’t have a problem with everything another person does. It’s the narcissistic mind and the flying monkeys who follow it who think in binary terms of all good or all bad.

Part of the difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is the ability to allow the negative to coexist with the positive. No one is all bad and no one is all good. The narcissistic mind thinks in terms of us vs. them. I have tried to look for some trait of good in those who seem bad. This doesn’t mean we need to hang out with those who are abusing us–we need to remember not everyone is safe. And there are some people who are much safer than others. We need to find our kindred spirits to survive in this world.  So, for now, I will hold onto my good memories and pour them into my book.

If you’re writing a memoir, how have you found peace with your past?

8 comments

  1. Wait! Are you me? Cuz you just wrote about my life! So, like you, I have found peace through Jesus Christ. The way God has blessed me with peace is to heal my heart and show me truth! I’m valuable and worthy to Christ! God has brought me blessings of family and friends who love me unconditionally, a ministry so I can help others just as you are, and wisdom and discernment from the pain and rejection… a spiritual knowledge which protects me and my family from other dangerous, narcissistic beings. I know sometimes it feels unreal to have your entire family turn against you, but we must remind ourselves that this is the cost of following Jesus Christ and pursing truth, and that we are far better off, including eternally! Cherilyn, don’t forget, when I began Christian counsels my years ago, God led me to YOUR blog! Combined with the truth of the Bible, your blog provided me with a wealth of information; and even more valuable, was the realization that there was someone else out there just like me! There wasn’t anything wrong with ME! I was being greatly wronged! The abused don’t realize is “off” until they take a look around, and learn God’s truth, and how things are really supposed to be! If they don’t, they end up aiding the abuser. Pitiful! I am writing my memoir too: to heal, to share, to minister, and to bless others! It’s my story, and I’ll be first in line to read yours! ❤️ Love you! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Angela,

    Thank you for sharing a part of your story with us however succinct!

    I too, remember the confusion for years–then on the night before my birthday, I believe God gave me the gift of understanding. Someone invited me to a support group for ACoNs. I had zero interest until a second friend invited me. These women knew me well and I decided to check it out and that’s how this blog was written for ACoNs.

    So many things have happened in my family of origin since and every time I was able to explain the insanity by referring to the patterns in the narcissistic circus. I can even see how as a child and teenager, I used to play that game with my family toward other relatives or the neighbors or church people because narcissistic people always have to have someone to be against. It was so helpful to know these truths because I could stop wondering what is going on and choose to stop participating in trianguation and judgine others.

    I look forward to your book too! Good for you! Lots of love sent your way! Have a great time writing! God is with us and he is for us!

    Peace adn freedom!

    Cherliyn

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes! I remember the day I told my mother I refused to listen to any more gossip about my sister. You would think that would grow my relationship with my sister, but no! It only made my mother tell more lies about me, make my me look like the bad guy. Narcissists will even tell people you talked bad about them when it was really the narcissist who did so. Because my mother manipulated me into sticking up for her when my relatives “hurt her feelings,” she was later able to get them together believe that I was the problem! She conned me into writing a letter to them. I now know the trick well, because she’s conned other relatives into writing the same types of letters to me. Now they refuse to talk to me! However, they have no idea about the terrible things she used to tell me about them. I believed her! Now I realize that they believe the same terrible lies about me! The difference is that I figured it out. The sad thing is, not one asked me for my side of the story; not one. We who figure things out get shunned. But God will never shun us! ❤️✝️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great stories from both of you. Thank you for sharing I pray I can get there one day myself. I am almost 50 and I am just starting my journey where my parents are concerned. They did they could I just have to start the process you have been able to do. But that I know what I do my parents are deceased. Thank you both you have helped.
    God bless you both.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Kim,
    Be gentle with yourself through this process. It’s easy to remember what we need to forgive others for, but much harder to forgive ourselves. I blamed myself for not seeing how family member used me for so many years. I wanted their love so much that I didn’t realize how one-sided my relationships actually were.

    And you are right, our parents did what they could and many of them came from abusive backgrounds too.

    Saying a prayer for you to find some healthy relationships to help you through the process. It is my belief that healthy people are the main cure for narcissism. The wound was created by a person and it helps if you can find other kind and loving people to heal the wounds. Of course, we start by loving ourselves.

    Peace and freedom!

    Cherilyn

    Like

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