“No Contact” comes about because the narcissist has been such a jerk to you they don’t deserve to be in in your life anymore. When it comes to going no contact, it seems oxymoronic or just plain moronic to say, “How can you be so cruel as to shut someone out of your life who has lied to you and about you and used you?”
It’s not cruel, it’s the only sane option. No Contact has nothing to do with lack of forgiveness. I find it amusing when Christians are quick to tell victims to forgive and forget. No Contact is NOT about revenge or lack of a forgiving spirit–it’s about protection for those who have been injured. There is no reason to put up with repeated abuse. We can forgive people from a distance, but we can’t let them continue to use and abuse us.
The only relationship worth having is one based on mutual respect. If your narc parent or narc ex cannot accept you as an equal and treat you with respect you have no real choice but to go no contact. This is not a lack of forgiveness on your part, it’s simply the state of the union between you.
A narcissist won’t change and to further engage with them will only bring more damage to yourself. So for those just realizing their own pain and recognizing how their toxic narcissistic relationships have been sabotaging their health, I suggest you go no contact until further notice–a notice that only the Narc can give and a notice that says at least one of the following and preferably all–
- I accept you as you are and will stop trying to mold you into my image.
- I am sorry for the way my choices have influenced and affected your childhood and life.
- I am sorry for the lies I told to you and about you. I promise to be honest in the future.
Chances are if you are dealing with a true narcissist, none of the above will ever come to pass. However this check list will stand as a reminder to you that you deserve honesty and respect in your relationships. If any person–your parents, boss, ex or relatives cannot respect you, going no contact will be necessary until further notice.