Scapegoating – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 3

When Mary’s brother first left home,
he began to see things differently than their parents
and began to choose new religious and holiday traditions.
Her parents often shook their heads
and talked about him behind his back to the rest of the family.

scapegoat, narcissist, narcissism, abuse,
Photo by Taya Iv on Unsplash

Mary’s other siblings began to agree with her parents because they knew they would be shunned too–unless they are agreed with the narcissist. The other siblings began to say things to prove our loyalty to the parents.  As Mary looks back on it, she feels two things, surprise that she couldn’t see what was happening at the time and shame for participating in this evil game. Mary had no word for it at the time, but her brother was being scapegoated.

Some families are so dysfunctional that they can only be united when they have a common enemy. Scapegoating helps a sick family unite by choosing one person to blame for all the family problems. Here are some things parents might say to color an opinion of someone else.

“If only he wasn’t so bitter.”

“If only she had kept her mouth shut.”

“Too bad he can’t stop living in the past.”

“I sure wish she could forgive and forget.”

When narcissists talk, they like to talk about people. Scapegoating takes this to a new level because as long as everyone blames the scapegoat, no one notices what the narc is doing and no one else has to take responsibility for their own mistakes. Instead of blaming the boss, the bank and the doctor, scapegoating blames just one family member. Over and over. And it sucks. Scapegoating is a group delusion where everyone else feels pretty good about themselves because they never look in the mirror.

Of course scapegoating doesn’t solve any problems. Blaming one person can’t fix anything because it takes more than one person to create a conflict.

Regardless of whether we have been scapegoated or not, we are the grownups now. Part of growing up is to find our voices, stand up for ourselves and get the healing we need. No one else can do this for us.

Scapegoating is really a waste of time because it resolves any issues and it never allows a family to heal from the wounds inflicted by each other. I guess some people would prefer to keep their heads in the sand and scapegoating is their way to do that.

Try to not take it personal when people use you as their scapegoat. Remember however people treat other people, it is always about them. Being designated as the scapegoat just means someone couldn’t face their own mistakes so they want to blame you. Don’t let bother you.  They just want to feel better about themselves. The best way for you to feel better when you’ve been scapegoated is to walk as far away as you can go. Go where you are celebrated in love, not hated.

Traditions of Narcissistic Families – Home

Disrespect – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 1

Anger – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 2

Scapegoating – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 3

Isolation – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 4

Triangulation – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 5

Silence – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 6

Secrets – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 7

Violence – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 8

Victimhood – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 9

Mind Control – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 10


4 thoughts on “Scapegoating – Traditions of Narcissistic Families 3”

  1. Being the scapegoat has been very difficult but I see now that it kind of has been a blessing in disguise. I got out. I made the choice even though my mom rejected me. She pushed me away. My golden child sisters are stuck with her. They’re her puppets and they just don’t understand what’s happened to me, they’re going to pray for me. LOL. Nope, I’m no longer their punching bag!
    What bothers me is how society makes you feel guilty for not honoring your parents. Most people don’t understand what I’ve been through so they shouldn’t judge. My mother plays the victim but she’s the perpetrator. She lies and has a smear campaign. I’m done with the games.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi ligthformypath,

    Yes, you brought up two things that trigger the issue of religious abuse–praying for others in a manipulative manner and the so called breaking of the commandment to honor one’s parents. To both I say ugh and ugh!

    In some ways it is a blessing in disguise to be the scapegoat because your sisters are still playing those games and jockeying to win the prize of being the narc’s favorite. I say let them have it. narcissistic people have no capacity to love even their own golden child so even the golden child loses in this situation. As a matter of fact I’ve had many golden children write to me about how empty their lives are and how sad they are to finally realize after many years the hate and scorn of the narc when they finally stood up for themselves. We might see them spoiled as children, but the golden child is often abused and used too. Teh question is will they wake up before they die?

    As for manipulative prayer, more damage has been done in the name of God because people imagine they can harness the power of God to control other people. God doesn’t work that way. Simon the Sorcerer in the Bible tried to buy the power but it wasn’t for sale. Jesus says the wind (Holy Spirit) blows where He sends it and where it chooses. God is much more understanding and in line with the abused child than the abuser.

    As for honoring our parents. Our first duty is to honor our heavenly parents who gave us our individuality and when we bow to the narcissist and allow them to abuse us, we are not living up to who we were designed to be. We were not created to by our parents slaves or saviors. They have God to help them with their problems. We were designed to be free moral agents and not give up our minds to any person. If we truly want to honor our parents, we will be honest with them and others about the ways they have treated us. Honor comes from the same root word and as honesty. Honor and honesty are married, you can’t have one without the other.

    Isn’t it ironic that the same people who accuse us of dishonoring, also lie about us? Bizarre! If we didn’t know better, we might think they have no clue what the word honor or honesty even mean.

    You are safe and smart to stay away from such unscrupulous characters.

    Peace and freedom!



  3. Hi Cherilyn,
    Thank you so much for your response, wisdom and guidance! It means a lot to me.
    I do think something is in all of this for the golden child. Like money, jewelry, or my parents house. I need nor want anything from them. If it’s love and acceptance she wants, good luck with that. My sister places blame on me and she’s done the same to my younger sister and my mom has questioned why this golden child sister isn’t liked by us? My mom is delusional, as if she doesn’t know? She orchestrated everything and hasn’t stopped. Her triangulation ruined any relationship we could have had. My older sister is a puppet and they have gotten away with this evil for their entire lives. I ignored her texts because they were intimidating so a week later I get a nicey, nicey voicemail to call her because she thinks she was forced into some decisions and maybe mom is coming between us. Well, it’s too late because I don’t trust her and only one week earlier she basically trashed me and she’s already loyal to my mom and made up her mind about me so I didn’t fall into the web this time.
    It’s a sick game to them and they try to play on my empathetic nature. A few months ago I got a text from my golden child sister saying our mom was being wheeled into major surgery. Oh how nice to let me know last minute. Then I receive a card in the mail the same day from my mom telling me about her surgery and how she wished we could all get along. Really? Unbelievable how they told me of this information after the fact. So hurtful. Just another game in which I should have ignored. I have had enough of this nonsense. They both work together and on full well that they were making me feel like I don’t matter.
    I will keep reading your articles because they make sense to me and help me in my healing process.
    Coming to terms with the truth has been painful but it had to be done in order for me to see that I’ve been abused.

    Take Care!


  4. Hi Sarah,

    It sounds like you have been dealing with the narcissistic circus. I am sorry. Maybe some gaslighting going on?

    I wish you much healing and peace and freedom in the new year!



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