FLYING MONKEYS

A Flying Monkey by Any Other Name is Still a Frickin’ Flying Monkey

When one of my sisters informed me she’s not a “winged monkey,” I laughed. I told her I could tell she’d been talking about me because the only other person who’s ever used that term is my other sister. 

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

The term flying monkey comes from the movie The Wizard of Oz. The reason my sisters were confused is that we didn’t get to watch The Wizard of Oz while we were kids because our mother didn’t allow us to watch movies with witches. As a matter of fact, I just watched it for the first time last month. I also came to the conclusion there are much worse things than the make-believe witches and flying monkeys in Oz. The true tragedies are narcissistic people and the people who act as their flying monkeys in real life. Such characters don’t wear costumes, so it’s easy to get caught off guard.

Every once in awhile someone new to these terms says, “Why do we have to put people in boxes?” Well, if you don’t want to be labeled as a jerk, then don’t act like a jerk, but once someone acts like a jerk, does it really matter what box we put them in? I mean a jerk by any other name, is still a jerk, right? It’s the same thing with a flying monkey.

There’s a good reason we use these labels. The only way you can get from victim to survivor to thriver is to recognize abusive behavior for what it is.

To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage
is perhaps the most difficult
and painful
psychological task
a human being can be called on to face.

Most fail and so remain its victims.
Those who fully succeed in developing
the necessary searing vision 
are those who are able to name it.
-M. Scott Peck

We don’t label the people, we label the behavior. We use these terms because they help survivors recognize what’s happening. The first step toward healing from narcissistic abuse is to recognize it. Unfortunately, it took years for many of us to figure out what was going on. We were told we were the problem and once we understand the gaslighting label, we begin to see how gaslighting reprograms our minds to think we are the problem.

If you are the scapegoat, chances are someone taught you that you were responsible for the family problems, but that’s a lie. For one thing, there is never just one person at fault for everyone’s issues. This is why scapegoating is a group delusion. It allows family members to blame one person while not taking responsibility for their own role.

Do you like being labeled as a scapegoat? Probably not, but it gives you a reference to help you understand what’s happening. It is not you, it’s the narcissist and his/her flying monkeys who have all gathered together to triangulate and talk about you and then decided to blame you so they can distract themselves from the real problem–which is often their lack of empathy or desire to control others.

Flying monkeys aren’t always evil, some are naive and might have good intentions, but they don’t have a clue about narcissism and since they aren’t the target, they wonder what all the fuss is about. The reason we refer to some people as flying monkeys isn’t to label the innocent or even the manipulative people we love. Remember we use the label not for the person–but for the behavior.

These labels help us see these damaging behaviors for what they are and allow us to stop expecting different behavior from someone who has harmed us in the past and will probably harm us again if given the chance.

A mouse was warned about a cat who’d been tied up in his own lair by some other mice, but when he went to visit the cat, he found a very friendly cat. The mouse figured someone had mistaken this cat’s character for someone else’s and the cat convinced him to untie him. “But not yet,’ said the mouse, I need to go back and talk to the committee. I’ll be back on Thursday.” When the mouse turned to leave the cat ate his tail and said, “See you, Thursday!”  The truth is, a cat’s lair is never going to be a safe place for a mouse.  And it is always the cat’s nature to eat mice.

A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist. There is no other name for someone who lacks empathy for how they treat other people. If a narcissistic parent wants to stop being called narcissistic, they can apologize sincerely and start listening to their adult children without judging or controlling them. I’m willing to bet a truly narcissistic person won’t even consider doing these things. They are right in their opinion and everyone else is wrong. You can’t reason with unreasonable people. Once a mind is made up all you can do is damage control. You can say thus far and no more and walk away.

These labels are not perfect, but they are tools to help us figure out what’s going on. People who talk about us behind our backs and carry messages from the narcissist are simply acting like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. They might mean well, but in any event, they are acting as a flying monkey. And if they continue to talk about us and tear us down behind our backs they might even be worse than a flying monkey–they might even be a narcissist.

The good news is that not everyone is a narcissist or flying monkey. The world is full of empathetic and kind-hearted people who don’t assume the worst of us and would rather talk to our face than behind our backs. It might take a little time, but you’ll eventually find your tribe and the place where you belong. And this will happen all the sooner if you keep your head on and remember there are evil people who will wish you harm so the best thing you can do is walk away from them.

FLYING MONKEYS, NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

How to Avoid the Narcissist’s Triangulation Game

Lindsey was tired of her three sisters knocking on her door to tell her what her mother was saying about her new husband. She knew her narc mom didn’t like him because he strengthened her own boundaries, but she was unprepared for how it affected her relationships with her sisters. One day she woke up and proposed a new rule–that none of them talk about another when they were not in the room.

Two of her sisters immediately stopped talking to her and basically ignored her, but Lindsey and her third sister began a relationship she could only dream about before. What happened? The other two sisters were still scrambling to win the childish game to be mom’s favorite and since Lindsey wouldn’t listen to them, they had no reason to come over to her house.

When they only spoke about the sisters in the room, the third sister began to talk about her own life and listen to Lindsey’s interests and their sisterhood began to change and grow into a deeper friendship which they had both always wanted. They decided to take an art class together at the local college and began to talk about movies and books and ideas. They soon became best friends.

The sad fact about dysfunctional families with narcissistic parents, is that it inhibits the friendship of the siblings and keeps everyone jumping to the drama of the narc. If you have experienced a sibling friendship like Lindsey and her sister, you have probably had moments when you both just sat and enjoyed the silence. By not playing the triangulation game you have set yourselves free to enjoy each other’s company.

When the narc talks about you behind your back, you don’t know what they’re saying and when they send in the flying monkeys, it can broadside you. The narcissist often accuses his or her victims of doing the very things they do. Their goal to is to ruin all your relationships so no one believes you when you tell the truth.

If you’ve been shunned by the narc and wonder what he is saying, you might be tempted to find out what the narcissist is thinking by listening to the flying monkeys. Unfortunately, even this can be a trap. Third-hand information can be as distorted as a funhouse mirror. You might end up lying in bed at night trying to figure out if the flying monkey are repeating what the narc actually said or just gave you their spin on it because they want to gloat over the fact they are in with the narc and you’re out. Like I said, this is a game that you can never win and the truth is the flying monkey won’t win either. It’s a childish competition that no one ever wins except the narc (cue laughter from the wicked witch of the west.)

The heart of the game is triangulation–where two people discuss a third person and then one of them goes to tell them what they discussed. This can be a never ending game where the players keep exchanging places into infinity.

Unfortunately many of us were raised to play the triangulation game which is quite addicting. Why? Because having information on someone can be used to move up in the dysfunctional family hierarchy. The narcissistic witch—er, parent, loves to play this game because it allows them to keep all their grown children on their toes. Triangulation  creates a hierarchy to keep everyone scrambling to be approved by the narc parent in order to get in good behind their siblings’ backs. You might be tempted to play along with this game, but it won’t end well because this is a classic example of a game you can never win. The narcissistic parent uses his or her children like pawns in his own chess game. Unless you wish to be a pawn, just walk away.

When you walk away from this game, it helps to let the others know you are no longer playing. You can tell them you won’t talk about one sibling with another. This means, when your brother says, “Did you hear what mom said about you?” You can say, “I prefer for her to tell me herself.” This forces the flying monkey to either leave and abandon their mission, or move on to having a healthier relationship with you. Either way, you win.

If you choose to propose new fairer rules, it’s very important that you keep this rule yourself or this plan will fail. Once you make it clear you won’t play this game, it places you in a better position to win at the game of life. Why? Because you have embraced fairer rules where people know they are safe to talk with you and not worry about what is being said when they are not there.

Does this mean you should never talk to your siblings about your parents? No. Siblings–whether the golden child, scapegoat or the supposed peacemaker are all victims of the narcissist in some way. To speak about former abuses or current abuse among each other is only fair because all were childhood victims of the narc. However despite the fact they were victims and now, hopefully survivors, individuals might heal at different rates. It could take a lot longer for the golden child to realize they too, were abused, while most scapegoats were placed in such a painful position by the narc they woke up sooner.

You might be able to learn from Lindsey’s story, if you’re still dealing with flying Monkey caca, informed your family of this better way to have more loving relationships. Tell them you refuse to discuss your other siblings unless they are present. And make a pact to not repeat anything they say about the narcissist. The narc won’t like it, but  this is the only way to have healthy relationship with the rest of the family. Just realize it might take a while for everyone to catch on.

Are you taking a chance on being shut out? Yes. But think about it, if your siblings refuse to play by newer and fairer rules, then they won’t mess up your life as easily. When flying monkey after flying monkey realizes you are no longer playing the narcissist’s game and will have no interest in what they have to say, it will either cut down on traffic to your door or give them a new option so they can stop acting like a flying monkey and become a friend.

It’s important to note that some family members might not be flying monkeys, but narcs themselves. If that’s the case, good riddance. Remember narcissism is like a cancer that eats away and destroys the family unit one person at a time. The only way to salvage your family is to take a stand for respect and honesty. Without respect and honesty, we’ve got nothing.

FLYING MONKEYS, NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

How to Deal With Narcissistic Hate-Mail

If you’ve ever been in a relationship
with a flying monkey or a narcissist,
you’ve probably received some hate-mail,
but just in case you haven’t,
allow me to tell you what it’s like
so you can be prepared when it happens.

beauty-2483155_1920

It might start out with some of your least favorite things and a long list of everything you’ve ever done to offend them along with a scathing rebuke. The narcissist might hit below the belt and demean you for what you believe or they might try to hit your jugular vein with things they know will hurt you. They might even threaten you in some way.

Then, as if they were given this message from Jesus Himself, they might end with a line straight out of Religious Narcia, “I really love you and hope you get your act together so you can make it into heaven,” Make no mistake, this cocktail of name-calling, projection, gas-lighting and self-righteous indignation is a toxic package of verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse, so here are some tips on what to do when it lands in your inbox:

1. Don’t Read It

If you suspect this letter came from a narcissist, before you even open it, you should be prepared for things like shaming, put-downs, self-righteous slurs and lies. Do you really look forward to reading such insanity? I think not. Remember you are NOT their kind of people. The best thing to do is delete it, or file it directly into the garbage can even before you read it. Trust me, if you want real news, go online and check out the Washington Post to find out what’s going on in the world. There’s nothing worth reading here.

Of course if you see them in person, be prepared for the narc to ask, “How can I communicate with you if you don’t read what I write and filter it through someone else?”

Trust me, if the Narcissist wants you to listen to them, they need to start by treating you with respect. If they act disrespectful in real life or spout off enough to get blocked from your social media wall, then they’ve probably forfeited the right to speak into your life. Why read a bunch of insults from someone who doesn’t even try to have a respectful relationship with you?

Of course, I realize curiosity is tempting you to know what the hate-mail says, so the best way to diffuse it, is to find an informed witness to act as a buffer.

2. Find an Informed Witness

Before you even take one tiny peek at the page, find an informed witness. An informed witness in this case should be someone who really knows you and is familiar enough with your personality and character and possibly your backstory to measure it against all the lies from the narc. It also helps for them to be informed about narcissism. If your informed witness doesn’t live in the area, forward the email to them without reading it yourself and have them discuss it with you over the phone. If they’re local, ask them to read the letter first and just give you the highlights worth noting.

Your informed witness should also automatically screen what they share with you. Narcissists play loose and fast with their words–which is to say they say a lot of things they don’t mean. And most narcs will say a lot of things to BE mean. Because of this, it’s not necessary for you to know every word in the letter.

An informed witness can give you the gist of the letter without you wading knee deep through narcissistic sludge. Basically, if letter is telling you that someone is dying they can let you know. Everything else should be flushed. How do I know this? Because friends don’t send friends hate-mail. If a friend disagrees with you and writes you a letter, they will start with some friendly news or an apology or something that infers they care about your heart. The narcissist is so committed to winning that they couldn’t care less about your heart.

3. Don’t Take it Personally  

Whatever the narcissist writes about is a reflection of their own heart and this hate-mail is probably just a way of projecting their own issues onto you.

A good man brings good things
out of the good stored up in his heart,
and an evil man brings evil things
out of the evil stored up in his heart.
For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.
-Luke 6:45

When you first hear about the lies, you might be trying to figure out what to do with all the crap the narcissist has thrown at you, you might even feel like you need a shower or maybe you feel like getting drunk or just numbing out on your drug of choice. None of these options will be helpful, because toxic relationship wounds can only be healed by healthy relationships. This means your only cure is to find a healthy person to counteract the unhealthy person who sent the hate-mail.

This is why an INFORMED WITNESS is so important. Besides the fact is someone who doesn’t know you could get confused by all the narc’s lies, while someone DOES know you will be able to help you sift through all the landmines. They can point out the lies in the letter and remind you of who you really are to counterbalance all the fiction.

The other day, I made some gluten-free blueberry muffins for a sick friend. A mutual friend was visiting her when she asked if she thought I would make her some more muffins to freeze. Our mutual friend said, “I’m sure she will.” I wasn’t in the room, but my friend knows my character enough to know I would gladly make more muffins. This is an example of an informed witness someone who gets you and knows your heart. In contrast, the narcissist has no interest in knowing your heart. Oh sure they might like it if you baked them some muffins too, but they would only be sucking you dry for more narcissistic feed.

Instead of feeling all the narc’s venom, you’ll probably hear the informed witness say stuff like, “Oh okay, this handwriting looks like mouse droppings or these arguments are as evil as if the Joker himself wrote them.” If you were to read it yourself, you might come to the same conclusion, but by allowing the informed witness to interpret it, you give yourself a little distance and make it easier to reframe the drivel.

When you find out what’s inside, you might be tempted to cry. I understand, no one wants hate-mail, but crying is really just a waste of your time. For one thing probably half of the stuff the narcissist wrote about wasn’t true and even if some of was true, an angry rant does NOT represent a healthy adult engaging in a mature discussion or a loving relationship, so everything they say is suspect and must be run through your anti-narc filter.

It might seem insulting at first, but a long list of your past offences should be your first clue that the narcissist is off their kombucha. If this letter was from a true kindred spirit, they would start by asking questions instead of accusing you. If they weren’t a narcissist, they might even check to see if they were misunderstanding your intent and then ask if you could have a discussion about it. The truth is hate-mail is really more about the narcissist’s warped opinion and whatever they have evil surmised or accused you of is probably more of a projection of their own issues than anything you’ve done.

Narcissistic people like to claim they have the truth on their side while they berate and dismantle others, but don’t let people lie to you. The word truth can come up again and again without it actually meaning the truth—remember that movie Gaslighting. You might be gaslighted, so don’t take the bait. Perhaps gaslighting is why Maya Angelou said what she did about the little murders:

Some people don’t have the courage to just walk up to you and pull the trigger. If somebody just walked up and said “Boom!”—well, there you go. Bye. But when a person commits these little murders, and then you catch him or her at it, he or she might say, “Oh, I didn’t mean it.” But make no mistake: It is an assassination attempt. -Maya Angelou

And even if their venting does contain some truth, it’s not truth with grace. Truth without grace is toxic. They think they speak for God, but the Bible says to speak truth in love. It’s actually impossible to tell people off and then say you love them and mean it. Such writers are only damaging their own conscience by splitting themselves in two because they can’t even agree with their own words. Talk about a lack of integrity!

4. Recognize Spiritual Abuse

Your informed witness should wisely omit any Bible or religious quotes. Also any references to God or Jesus must immediately be discounted. Jesus does not tell people off in hate-mail and he is not the inspiration behind it–no matter what the narcissist claims.

Remember narcs like to prove something because winning a petty argument allows them to imagine they are a winner—even though this doesn’t prove anything except the fact they like to argue. Adding a Bible verse to a letter full of insults only makes it all the more ridiculous because wielding the Bible as book as a club to set someone straight is oxymoronic for someone who can’t even call you up and have a real life conversation or friend-like relationship with you.

Don’t absorb any shame or guilt from these spiteful words. People who send hate rants are not in any position to give you spiritual advice. It just makes the narcs feel better about themselves if they can attack you and point out your faults, but if they really opened the Bible, they might realize the accuser of the brethren is Satan and they are taking on this role.

If such a person were a true Christ-follower, they would manifest a humble spirit of forgiveness and empathy for others while sharing their point of view. They wouldn’t spew hate at you for every little thing you’ve done since 1999 and they would try to discuss the real issue in a respectful manner. All that bull about hoping you get your life right so they can see you in heaven means nothing without truth and kindness. And how do they know they will even be there?

5. Don’t Apologize or Write Back

You’ll only be wasting your time. You can’t reason with unreasonable people. You can’t awaken empathy in someone committed to misunderstanding you. If the person who wrote such a disrespectful letter apologized and admitted where they were hateful and wrong, then you might have a mutual foundation with which to discuss and explain your points of view, but as it stands very few narcissistic people will do this and if they do, they might only be doing it to manipulate you. The only possibility of reconciliation, is to see a change in their behavior. (Good luck waiting on that.)

Whatever you do, don’t try to fix this rude letter by giving the narc an apology. While hate-mail can be ugly, but it’s not as bad as a shark or Ebola virus. If you can find some humor in it–it will help it roll off your back faster. It’s simply the equivalent of a tiny, purse sized dog yapping at your heels trying to storm your refrigerator, but remember you are the gatekeeper. With healthy boundaries, you can shut the fridge door and keep them out. This is really the best thing to do because this hate-mail is your ticket to freedom. It might seem dark right now, but this really is the night before freedom. In reality, the sun’s still shining and the birds are still singing and the narcissist is not now, (nor will he ever be) the boss of you–so go where you are celebrated!

FLYING MONKEYS

Three Ways to Disable Flying Monkeys

I don’t know about you, but I love to go to the zoo and I could watch the monkeys for hours. Monkeys see and monkeys do. They love to imitate and respond to facial expressions. A few years ago, one of my nephews went to the zoo with us. It was a small zoo where you could get in close to the monkeys and my nephew began to make faces at a monkey. Apparently, this real-life monkey was sick of people making faces because he looked around, found some poop and started throwing it at my nephew.

Photo by Blake Cheek on Unsplash
Who doesn’t like a monkey? Unless it’s a flying monkey. Photo by Blake Cheek on Unsplash

It was sad and funny at the same time. I felt sorry for my nephew, but when someone in the family joked, “Monkey see, monkey doo-doo,” I could barely keep a straight face while I helped him clean up. This is how monkeys behave. That’s why we get sick of flying monkeys–because like real monkeys, they like to throw crap around.

Often the crap flying monkeys throw around comes straight from the narcissist. Why do they seem so comfortable doing the narc’s dirty work? It might be because they act before thinking. When people follow a leader and fail to think for themselves, they end up with bad habits like imitating others and going on a defensive attack.

Many flying monkeys come with a self-righteous attitude when they ask you to be nice to the narcissist. This is because the narcissist has played the victim and they’ve bought into the lies. In other words, these flying monkeys are drunk on narc Kool-Aid. You need to take their attacks seriously because flying monkeys are a pawn in the narcissist’s game. The narcissist counts on flying monkeys to help destroy your reputation.

In an interview with Oprah, Maya Angelou called these assassination attempts:

Maya: Reduce your humanity through what Jules Feiffer called little murders. The minute I hear [someone trying to demean me], I know that that person means to have my life. And I will not give it to them.

Oprah: It’s an assassination attempt by a coward.

Maya: Yes. Some people don’t have the courage to just walk up to you and pull the trigger. If somebody just walked up and said “Boom!”—well, there you go. Bye. But when a person commits these little murders, and then you catch him or her at it, he or she might say, “Oh, I didn’t mean it.” But make no mistake: It is an assassination attempt.*

Oprah and Maya were right. The narcissist and flying monkeys are out to murder your reputation. Next time a flying monkey comes knocking, don’t give them any extra ammunition.

Here are three tips on how to disable flying monkeys and send them on their way.

1 Run Their Comments through a Filter of Truth

Flying Monkeys can’t mess with your mind if you don’t let them. The first step is to know the truth and run everything the flying monkeys say through your own healthy truth filter.

As much as you might have been jealous of the golden child while you were growing up, you don’t really envy their bond with the narcissist now—hell no! You’ve seen the light, and these days you realize how empty and one-sided even that relationship with the narcissist can be–even for the golden child.

Keep the truth at the forefront of your mind whenever you deal with a flying monkey. This will give you clarity and enable you to ignore the crap any flying monkey throws at you. Remember a “good time” by flying monkey standards is your idea of hell.

So what can you do if you still love your flying monkey, golden child sister who comes over to tell you what you missed at the family reunion? Filter, filter, filter. If she says the narc was super friendly to her, you can allow her the grace to have her illusion. It’s not hurting you to let her have her happy thoughts, and it’s okay to disagree with her. Just make sure you remember it’s NOT okay to allow any flying monkey to shame you for having feelings and memories. If you still care about this relationship, then change the subject. Or agree to disagree.

2 Educate as Many as You Can

Of course, this is much easier said than done, but on occasion it is possible. Usually when a flying monkey is not a family member, but some well-meaning friend or distant relative, you can educate them.

Some flying monkeys have zero clues about the truth and will repeat whatever they’ve been manipulated to say. This could be an uninformed church lady who thinks your narcissistic mother is a jewel, but how much can she actually know from staring at her across the pews every week for an hour? You can let such peripheral flying monkeys off easy, but it never hurts to educate them if you get the chance. Plus it will do your soul good to state the truth out loud.

The best way to educate is to tell your story, but remember the narcissist has probably lied about you over and over, so you might not be able to counteract all of his lies. Still, might be sincere people who will listen to your story.

The tricky part is learning to speak the truth when you grew up in a family that threatens you with punitive damage if you don’t keep the family secrets. While this has happened to many of us, we are the grownups now, and we don’t have to keep the family secrets anymore. Just remember you are speaking the truth for yourself first–even before you try to convince others. You need to continually remind yourself of the facts to safeguard yourself from future pain.

While some flying monkeys are deceived and blind, and you might be able to clarify a few things, one place that you should never try to educate is when you know the flying monkey is a bully. Many flying monkeys are deceived and follow the narcissist like a pied piper, but when you sense a flying monkey has sadistic tendencies, walk away immediately.  Whatever you do, do NOT offer them any information.

Don’t try to win over the haters,
you are not a jackass whisperer.
-Scott Stratten

3 Refuse to Play Their Games

This might seem harsh, and it might even feel awkward at first because you are naturally an empathetic person, but sometimes you have to stop talking to the flying monkeys–this is especially true if it has become a game for them. Wise people from the dawn of time have warned us to stop discussing people with other people. Jesus Himself, in Matthew 18 taught that we should go directly to the person before we spread the story on to others.

Triangulation is the number one tool of every narcissist. He will train his flying monkeys in the art of gossip and lies because, without gossip and lies, he can’t spread his hate-filled agenda of turning people against you. If everyone sat at the same table for every conversation, then the truth would come out. This is why the narcissist likes to divide and conquer. The more secret meetings, the more gossip spread and the easier it is for the narcissist to win his war on your reputation. When you refuse to play this game, you will stop giving the flying monkeys intel to take back to the narcissist.

Flying monkeys tend towards self-righteousness because they often view themselves as peacemakers. A flying monkey feels innocent and hero-like because they imagine they’re listening to all sides–and that’s also why flying monkeys are such a big part of the problem. Sometimes listening to everyone doesn’t make them empathetic–it only makes them a part of the gossip chain. And as noted before, flying monkeys refuse to do their own thinking, and merely repeat what the narcissist tells them.

It’s important to keep this thought in mind; every flying monkey is always, always, an extension of the narcissist whether they realize it or not. Don’t let them fool you and you won’t be hurt. You have evidence which the flying monkey refuses to consider. You’ve seen the light, and you can’t undo what you’ve seen. At the same time, you don’t have to hate the poor misled flying monkeys; you can still pity their ignorance while standing your ground. You can be kind without putting up with their lies and nonsense.

There are also some hardcore flying monkeys who are very apathetic. These flying monkeys are not concerned with what hurts others as much as positioning themselves politically on the most potent side. Some flying monkeys can be dangerous and mean. Not every flying monkey is deceived by the narcissist. Some are narcissists in training. If you see an angry or apathetic monkey heading your way, lock all the doors.

Flying Monkeys are the narcissist’s extra right hand contributing to both triangulation and boundary violations. Boundary violations come when the flying monkeys follow their narcissistic leader and deny victims and survivors their rights—even the right to tell their own stories. Triangulation furthers abuse because as long as the flying monkeys keep flying between the narcissist and everyone else, nobody really knows the truth and no one communicates. It’s all a façade and a game designed to drive you crazy. Don’t let it. Stop playing.

The best way to get rid of a flying monkey is to run their comments through a filter of truth, educate them if you can and refuse to play their games.

FLYING MONKEYS

How to Talk to a Flying Monkey

Most of us are familiar with the Polish proverb, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” If only we could reverse these monkeys and send the flying monkeys back with a message to the narc. Can you imagine how much healthier our families would be?

flying monkey, narcissism, narcissist, littleredsurvivor.com

I know, it’s a fantasy, but we all need a good fantasy every once in a while. This post could go on forever because we all know the list of lies put out by the narc is a bottomless pit, but I’ll just reverse five things flying monkeys use to shame us.

CAUTION: Read this fantasy at your own risk. Don’t allow hope to suck away the reality that the narc or flying monkeys rarely change. Keep your logic hat on.

1. Flying Monkey Stupid Question #1: “Why do you always have to remember the past?

Oh if only I had mocha for every time a flying monkey said this. For starters, who doesn’t remember the past? This flying monkey knows they remember the past and we all know the narc’s memory is selective. The narc hasn’t forgotten the past because he has a long list of people he wants to get even with, so why all this fuss about remembering?

It’s not remembering the past that’s the problem for the narc, it’s remembering the past and acknowledging it. It’s remembering that exact point on the glass where we were cut last time. It’s saying that since I remember the past, I don’t wish to repeat the past. But the narc doesn’t want me to remember where he stabbed me in the back, because if I remember it will never happen again.

My question for the flying monkey is do you really want me to forget the past?  ‘Cause that would make it much more difficult for me to remember things like how to drive and I would definitely forget your birthday. Maybe you should fly back to the narc and give him this message:

“Why don’t you forget the past? Why don’t you stop holding it against your designated scapegoat for not playing along with all your dirty little games?”

2. Flying Monkey Stupid Question #2: “Why do you have to break up the family by skipping the family drama–er dinner?”

Ha! As if not attending one dinner could wreck an entire dynasty and possibly end civilization as we know it. I’d love to tie a little note to the clutches of this flying monkey and send him back with:

“Hey Narc, your lies and triangulating have literally sucked the joy out of our family gatherings. So why don’t you stop the drama and let everyone be themselves? Then maybe family members will want to hang out with you again.”

3. Flying Monkey Stupid Question #3: “The narc’s never gonna change, so why don’t you just forgive and forget?”

Hmmn… Nearly everything that stinks needs changing like garbage and diapers. Personally I can’t think of anything that stinks more than narcissism. It tears down the family through lies and division. The main problem with the narc is it’s always gotta be his way or the highway. I’d decorate this flying monkey with old diapers for brown nosing and maybe give him a flat tire and see how far he goes before deciding change is necessary. Oh! And I’d send this message back to the narc:

“The reason people are avoiding you oh great narc is because you refuse to change. All relationships come up for renegotiation. Like an old fish rotting in the sink, people have lost all taste for your control freaking ways and hostile attempts to divide and conquer. Why don’t you change? Why don’t you play the game of forgive and forget?

4. Flying Monkey Stupid Question #4: What Would Jesus Do?

A few flying monkey spies just fell off their seats when they read this. Sorry monkey friends, but it’s a stupid question if it relates to narcissistic abuse because Jesus never advocated that we become doormats. Most flying monkeys can be brushed off with a fly swatter, but there is no flying monkey like the monkey sent from the throne of Religious Narcia. The aura of oppression they wield while they try to shame you with your ultimate hope–your faith in God–is unconscionable. And all because they like ring of that little mantra “What would Jesus do?”

What Jesus would do is support freedom. Jesus never stands with liars and abusers. He does not support narcissistic abuse and never uses such tactics himself. I’d send this spiritually manipulative flying monkey back as soon as he opens his mouth—with a message to smash all the false kingdoms in Religious Narcia.

“Hey narc, let’s just forget what Jesus would do and let’s remember what Jesus did. Jesus said, “Who are my mother and my brothers? He who does the will of my father.” If you aren’t doing the will of the Father, then get off my back.”

5. Flying Monkey Stupid Question #5: What if the Narc Dies?

Many flying monkey discussions end with the ultimate countdown–the final countdown in all of our lives when he says: “Well you never know how long the narc will live, so why not try to get along with them.”

What does this flying monkey even mean? Does he think we should allow ourselves to be abuse by the narc because he has a shorter life expectancy than other people? The fact is we don’t know how long any of us will live. Car accidents steal young lives every day.

My message is not intended to make light of how short life is–but rather BECAUSE life is short. If only all these flying monkey suggestions worked, if only it were that easy to reverse all the damage done by the narc to others by hanging out with the narc. Sadly, when we are in a relationship with a narc it’s like they are already dead–not because we wish it–-heaven knows how much we love them and have cried over the narc, but because life is short and hanging out with the narc could make our lives even shorter.

It’s a solemn message to send back, but it’s the truth and it must be said:

“I don’t know how long I will live. None of us do. Since we don’t know this, why do you assume others should tiptoe around you Narc? Why not make things right with your children before they or you die? And If you really want a relationship, why not put some love and kindness into it? Shame and guilt don’t work on me anymore.”

Well, that was nice fantasy while it lasted, but the mountains are calling and I must go! Hopefully this worked like flying monkey repellent, cause modern science still hasn’t found a cure for the narc or his flying monkeys. But you will be ok because you know how to recognize a flying monkey and you won’t let the narc steal your joy.

Please feel free to add your own fantasies in the comment section.

FLYING MONKEYS

Flying Monkeys

After years of emotional abuse and verbal put downs,
Ava finally found stood up to the narcissist
and went no contact.
She found more peace in her life,
but then she started getting phone calls from her sister.

flying monkeys, narcissism, healing, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, littleredsurvivor.com

Ava had always gotten along with her sister, but now her sister was checking up on her. At first it was very subtle, but soon it became apparent that her sister felt Ava was being mean to their mother. Ava asked why she felt this way and her sister launched into an all-out attack on Ava. She called Ava, selfish, irresponsible and coldhearted.

Ava was shocked and felt betrayed. Her sister knew what mom was like, but she now took their mother’s side. Feeling alone and cut off Ava finally had to stop answering her sister’s calls.

Ava didn’t realize what was happening, but her sister had become a flying monkey. If you’ve ever watched the Wizard of Oz, you probably know about flying monkeys. Flying monkeys often don’t realize what they’re doing. They become the extension of the narcissist to attack whoever the narcissist is upset with.

The narcissist acts like the director of a play. From the narc’s point of view, people are only as good as whatever they can use them for. If they can’t use you for anything else, they will make you into their scapegoat. Once they get a scapegoat, they recruit the flying monkeys whose goal is to pressure you into whatever the Narc want you to do, or shame you for not going along with the Narc’s plans in the first place.

Flying monkeys are vulnerable to the narcissist because they often don’t have their own opinions. They are followers who reflect what other people say. Their toxic remarks are not their own, but reflect the opinion of the narcissist.

There is good news and bad news about flying monkeys. The good news is they really don’t know what they are talking about, so you don’t need to take them too seriously. Their comments are just more smoke and mirrors from the malignant narcissist. The bad news is they will need to learn to think for themselves before they can see the light and be a good friend to you.

In moments like this, it might feel like the narcissist has all the friends, but that’s not true. Narcissists don’t have close friends because they don’t know how to nurture anyone–unless they are grooming them for narcissistic feed.

Now you know you can’t trust the flying monkeys. The booby prize goes to the poor flying monkey who has been tricked into trading your good and honest friendship for the lies of the narcissist. But you can’t tell them this, they will need to discover it for themselves.