Every week we read of people who have no empathy for others
Some destroy with guns, while others destroy with words
Some are silently plotting, while others are blatantly bullying
Some whisper a subtle gossip, while others use their power to harm.
Whether through personal attacks or congressional self-interest,
The world is full of ugly, selfish and narcissistic people.
The group Garbage wrote a great song called “We are Not Your Kind of People.” I often think of it as an anthem for those of us raised by narcissistic people and those who are victims of the evil we see on the news feed. As we face yet another disaster created by a selfish and narcissistic mind, we often need to remind ourselves and those around us that we are not those kind of people. These others who care not for human feelings, do not deserve a place–either in our hearts or our social media feeds.
As empathetic people, our hearts ache to see the misery inflicted on the innocent. As empathetic people we want to clean up this planet and organize for equal rights and find a space for everyone, but we are in a war that will not be won overnight. As a matter of fact, every day we face a new battle, so the victory can only come through fighting one battle at a time and loving one person at a time.
It is very easy to become the target of a toxic narcissist. If it is has happened before please realize it wasn’t your fault, but awareness will help you avoid it in the future. When it comes to supplying the needs of a narcissist, there is no one more likely to keep feeding and enabling them than an empathetic person. We don’t want to become hardened and heartless, but we need to realize we are not their kind of people.
Many narcissists have a victim mentality. The boss didn’t like them, so they fired them. The landlord didn’t like the way they decorated with spray paint and graffiti, so they asked them to leave. They would pay their bills, but they can’t find a decent job—decent being relevant to their ego’s demands. Besides why work when you can get people to work for you?
An empathetic person who has been raised by a narcissistic parent might be at high risk for becoming codependent. They have been trained to give and give and they learned to get their self-worth through giving because the narcissistic parent only valued them for what they could give them. Recovery from codependency is a lonely job for the empathetic person because who in the family cares? Not the apathetic family members who want you to be quiet and stop causing trouble and certainly not the toxic narcissist who wants you to keep feeding them your resources.
Life in this world can seem bleak, but in reality the person with the most empathy really wins–but only when we learn to turn a deaf ear to the victim’s whining and the flying monkey’s accusations and find a way to build a better community with our compassion.
The toxic narc and flying monkeys will try to heap tons of shame on you because you’ve acknowledged a situation they wish to ignore. Once you’ve swallowed the truth pill, there’s no going back. To hang out with victims and flying monkeys is impossible—you’d have to check reality at the door.
And that’s where the whistle blowers come in. These days, it makes no sense to be quiet when someone is abusing someone else or even if they are abusing you. This new world requires for each of us empathetic and honest hearts to stand up and say, “Me too,” because our message to the narcissistic abusers must be loud and clear. We must sing it loud (crank up the Garbage song if you must) and proclaim to everyone who will listen that “We are NOT your kind of people.” Instead of cursing the darkness, let’s light the world, one candle at a time.